


Deceptive Beauty

by Blu3Wind



Category: EXO (Band), Infinite (Band), K-pop, Miss A, f(x)
Genre: Angst, Bullying, Cynical, Dark, Drama, F/M, Female Friendship, Friendship, High School, Male-Female Friendship, POV First Person, Romance, Students
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-11
Updated: 2018-11-22
Packaged: 2019-03-29 21:47:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 24,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13936089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blu3Wind/pseuds/Blu3Wind
Summary: People saw her as the innocent one while I was known as the antagonist.What they don't know is my side of the story.





	1. Beginning

**Three Years Ago**

In middle school, people were at the prime age of stupidity. No one had a sense of right and wrong; instead, putting a greater emphasis on what was cool or not. If one kid bleached his hair blond and survived the wrath of the teachers, the entire classroom would be filled with blondies the next day. If the teacher won, the kid would walk with the label of a loser for an entire school year. Such were the law during middle school—you either belonged or got castrated. There was no in between.

I had been a new transfer student from San Francisco, the land of pride. I had only spoken Korean with my parents at home, and to the local Korean restaurant owners nearby my house. This was a new beginning for me.

“My name is Krystal Jung,” I introduced myself in front of the class. Everyone stared in confusion as I used my American name instead of my Korean one. They immediately labeled me as ‘different.’ And being different placed me a level below the blondie who lost his argument against the teacher. I was at the bottom of the food chain.

My middle school years were the epitome of hell. They say ghosts are scary, and that the devil is evil. I came to realize a person’s tongue was more wicked, and a friendship more terrifying.

The only person who made my school years bearable was Kim Myungsoo.

***

**Present**

I called him over lunch break to come see me behind the gym building. My mind went through at least a hundred scenarios to confess, only to return to the first method I had thought of.

The direct way.

“What is it, Soojung?” Myungsoo asked, tilting his head sideways, pushing his luscious streaks of bangs sideways to reveal his eyes. It was the color of caramel chocolate—sweet to the senses at first glance, and extruded a welcoming warmth at the glances afterwards. When other people stared at me with disgust or mockery, he had always looked at me like I was a treasure hidden among the dirt.

My heart drummed against my chest. The sound amplified in my ear to the point I thought it would stop beating entirely. I bit my red lips, suddenly self-conscious of his gaze upon me. There was a reason girls didn't do this. Though he had seen countless of my tears before, I would not hand him the privilege today. There was no other way around it other than to say it.

“I like you.”

I shut my eyes. A part of me was afraid of his reaction. What if he would laugh, trampling all over my pride? What if he sighed out of anger, considering my feelings a burden? What if my worries were meaningless because he had already walked away?

I fluttered my eyes open, blinked my long eyelashes at the guy in front of me. My heart sighed in relieve seeing he hadn’t moved an inch. He hadn’t spoken a word either. Judging on the creases on his forehead and his plum lips arching downwards, I knew the words he were about to say. My heart sank.

“Thank you, Soojung,” the words escaped his lips. I never knew a statement of gratitude would slice my fragile heart to small bits of broken pieces.

His lips tilted upwards to create the illusion of a charming smile, but I knew him well enough to know he was showing me pity. As if hearing a ‘thank you’ wasn’t painful enough, he had to rub salt over my wound.

“I think you deserve someone who is much better than me. Someone who could love you just as much.”

Now he was just asking for me to punch his pretty little face. But I would never. I could never hurt the guy who had shown me nothing but love and kindness throughout our years of friendship.

“But,” I mustered my courage to finish my sentence. My hands clenched into a fist, resting against my beating chest as I declared. “I don't need someone who is better. I just need you.”

The expression on his face crumpled into something more solemn. I could not tell whether it was sadness, guilt, or a softened version of disgust. When his caramel eyes drooped low and lost its bright shimmer, I immediately recognized the emotion. Pity.

“You don't understand,” he said, trying his hardest to deliver the rest of his words in such a way it wouldn’t hurt me. He did not know my soul was already shattered the moment he chose to elongate his earlier silence. But he proved me wrong by crushing me further.

“I like someone else.”

Throw me under a truck, why don’t you? Every attempt on his part to make things better only pushed me a step closer to the edge of a cliff. I had promised myself not to cry, so I asked a question that would change the rest of my high school days.

“Who is it?”

Again, I watched his hesitation. The best thing would be to keep his silence, to not give me a name. I honestly don’t know what I’d be capable of doing if I had received a name.

“Bae Suzy,” he uttered, so soft it sounded like the winds were blowing a sinful whisper.

I put on my brightest smile, curving my lips so beautifully it would make any guy fall for me. I had enough of his sympathetic glances and his hesitant mumblings. He needed to know I was going to make him fall heads over heels for me anyway.

“I’m glad I got this off my chest now. I hope things will work out for you,” I faked a cheerful high pitched voice like overly cutesy girls trying to prey for attention. As much as I hated this behavior, it was the only way to stop these tears from forming.

“Soojung…”

“Just so you know, Myungsoo. Rejecting me does not mean I will stop liking you.”

Oh no, it makes me want you even more.

I turned around on my heels, flipped my long dark brown hair, and swayed my hips seductively as I walked away with pride. Let that become a lingering image in his head. Perhaps he’ll regret the day he rejected me, Jung Soojung.

For now, I had to pay Bae Suzy a visit and ensure she wouldn’t stand in my way.

 


	2. Different

**Three Years Ago**

I sat around my desk. It seemed smaller than the ones in the US. Not just my desk, but the people here seemed smaller too. Not in terms of weight of height, but in terms of their heart. Their capacity to accept flaws was so small, I wondered whether they even had any compassion left in them.

As I got ready to retrieve my lunchbox from my limited edition Gucci bag, a bunch of girls appeared around my desk. One of them slammed her hand on my table, and I noticed her nude painted nails. It was against school rules, but the color was so well camouflaged she never got expelled.

“Krystal Jung, huh?” The girl spoke, scoffing as she threw a sideway glance to her bimbo friends. They laughed along like a button for fake mean girl laughter had been activated.

“We are in Korea. Don’t you know we don’t go by American names? How would one even pronounce it? Ku-ri-su-tal?” The girl enunciated every syllable, pouting her disgustingly thick lips in a way no guy would ever find her attractive.

I smiled. “It’s Krystal, actually.”

The stark contrast between our accent was clear. While hers sounded like a barking dog pleading for leftover food, I spoke like a nightingale people lined up for to hear. It shocked them. Poor souls, they had been in each other’s mediocre company for so long, the presence of a sudden star in the midst must’ve been shocking.

I learned that these girls opted for violence. They pulled me by my hair, forcing me away from the chair. It hurt.

“Listen, new girl. If you dare to say anything else to piss us off, we’ll make sure your entire school life feels like hell.”

“If this is hell, it explains why you are all so hideous,” I commented without thinking. It wasn’t my fault their dead skin cells were practically about to peel off. And the zit between her eyebrows? Gross.

Of course it aggravated these little monsters and they soon surrounded me and kicked me by the legs. All over a stupid name? If they wanted me to refer to myself as Soojung, they could’ve asked nicely instead of trying to amputate my legs.

“Teacher’s coming!” A voice suddenly erupted from behind the class. It caused all the girls to release their filthy hands off me and return to their seat like model students. I fixed my hair, running my fingers to comb and straighten the messy strands.

I halted when I realized a sudden presence beside my desk. Looking up, I came face to face with a god. Perhaps not a god, but someone with visuals deserving of our worship. It reminded me of myself when I look in the mirror.

“So you’re the new girl?” He asked, his voice like the breezy wind during a warm summer night. He extended his hand to me. “My name is Kim Myungsoo.”

“My name is Krystal Jung.” I reached out for his hand, but stopped halfway. “I meant Jung Soojung.”

Myungsoo looked momentarily lost, then chuckled a laughter that made my heart ache in fear he’d stop producing such a beautiful sound one day. He took my hand in his, and I realized how small my hands were in comparison to his.

“I like Krystal. It sounds different. Being different is good.”

I smiled for the rest of the class, like a child had been given the present on top of her wish list. It was an unforgettable first day.

On that same day, I told the teacher of the girl’s painted nails. I exaggerated a little and said she forced me to paint my nails too. Said I had to take the blame if she ever got busted.

I didn’t see her for the following week. She got suspended.

***

**Present**

I walked to my classroom, seeing the bunch of fake girls I referred to as ‘friends.’ We got along so well because every single one of us pretended to be a better version of ourselves. No one dared to expose their flaws.

“Hey, I have a question for you girls,” I said, dropping my hand over the one named Choi Jinri. My favorite bracelet dangled in bright light, emitting an ethereal crystallized color. “Do you know a girl named Bae Suzy?”

“Oh, that weirdo from class 1-A?” Park Sunyoung responded, taking out the lollipop she was sucking on. “She’s really weird. Why are you looking for her?”

“I heard some rumors about her,” I quickly lied on the spot. Being exposed to a world where deceit and treachery seemed to be our main upholding moral, it was quite easy for me to adapt.

“What rumor?” Jinri asked, her eyes sparking with curiosity. She wasn’t interested in the rumor itself, but in the fact that someone else was more ruined than she was.

“About making guys fall for her, but she rejects them in the end. That’s why no one dares to confess to her,” I said, the words flowing so smoothly. I did not know how easily I came up with the idea. Perhaps I was born with the ability to ruin someone else’s innocent reputation. Then again, no one was truly innocent.

“I knew that gullible act was just a facade to get guys to sleep with her. I ought to try it,” Jinri muttered under her breath. She started posing in weird ways, pouting her lips and hunching her back like her backbone was broken. Disgusting.

“Guys would be begging you for it, sweetheart,” I told her. Another lie. I wasn’t exactly lying about Bae Suzy, though. She did make Myungsoo fall for her. That was the only truthful part about my earlier statement. Then I excused myself in search of this Bae Suzy.

I followed the signs in front of the classrooms to find class 1-A. As soon as I peeked my head inside, I realized I had no idea how the girl looked like.

“Wow, it’s Soojung.” Several whispers came from the side. I glanced to the source, watching some guys drooling over me. I was basically a goddess stepping into a pig’s sty, but I would appreciate it if they kept their saliva to themselves.

Unlike my middle school days, I had started over and earned the title as the friendliest, smartest, and most beautiful girl of the entire school. All of it were facts, of course.

“You are so pretty even from up close,” one of the guys said, staring at me with such wonder and amazement. Technically, he was mentally undressing me, and I controlled my facial muscles to not show my disgust.

“Aw, thank you. I’m not nearly as pretty as Bae Suzy though,” I said, feigning a bashful giggle. This shy shy girl concept made the guys go wild as I inwardly rolled my eyes. “I heard she is able to make anyone fall for her.”

“Bae Suzy? She is pretty, but quite weird,” another guy answered. I followed the direction of his gaze, resting upon a girl cleaning the blackboard at the front of the class.

From her backside, I could tell she was beautiful. Her hair was cut right above her hips, painted in a beautiful color of chocolate brown at the bottom. She was taller than the average high school girl and had the figure of a model. Her skirt extended long below her knees like a Catholic school girl. How modest of her.

I walked over to her without a clear battle plan. I wanted Myungsoo to despise this girl and realize I was the right person for him. The only thing I could think of was to befriend Bae Suzy. By being her friend, I could easily destroy her without being a suspect to her sudden misfortune.

“Bae Suzy?” I asked, staring at the girl cleaning the blackboard. I tilted my body sideways, angling it so that I’d appear friendlier, more adorable, and completely interested. Of course I was none of that, but no one had to know.

The girl halted, seemingly surprised someone had called her—had noticed her. Upon closer inspection, she was only a few centimeters taller than me. Her skin was pale like the embodiment of a graceful ice queen. Her natural lips looked even redder in contrast.

“D-did you call me?” The girl asked, her voice rasp with hesitance. Or perhaps, she had kept her lips shut for too long and was testing the waters of speech.

“I was curious about the girl Myungsoo was telling me about,” I said, smiling brightly at her. It was the perfect way to mask my intention.

“M-M-Myungsoo told you about me?” Suzy flinched in surprise. Her cheeks began to blush, and she looked beautiful with those red spots. Her fingers began twirling in meaningless circles, and her feet tapped the floor behind her like a fool.

One second in and I found out she had feelings for Myungsoo too. They could start dating right away and claim the title of the perfect couple, if only I hadn’t decided to interfere.

“Yes. I have known Myungsoo since seventh grade. We’ve been very close ever since, almost like a couple,” I said, acting a little bit shy to make myself appear more humble. There was disappointment on her face, and it was a lovely look for her. I just had to push a little bit more.

“He told me about this girl who is like a sister to him, and mentioned your name. I assumed you were someone important to him, but he rarely mentions you.”

I chuckled in an attempt to lift her mood. Seeing her look so clueless and dejected made my laughter sound almost genuine. My plan was going smoothly.

“I don’t know,” Suzy answered, but clearly, my words had gotten to her head. I planted a toxic seed of doubt in her head, and soon it will bloom an acceptance that Myungsoo would never want to date her.

“Well, any friend of Myungsoo is a friend of mine too, especially the one he considers his little sister,” I said, reaching out to pick up her hand. I heard whispers from around me, praising me for my actions as if I were a hero. I decided to ignore it for now, and flashed an even brighter smile at the pathetic girl.

“Say, why is your name Suzy? Don’t you have a Korean name?” Was the first topic popping in my mind. I was so friendly they should award me a Nobel Prize.

She stared at our entangled hands, grinning in a way it made her seem rather foolish, yet strangely attractive. She then tilted her head to me, her eyes shining with such purity it intimidated my dark heart.

“My Korean name is Bae Suji, but I like to be called Suzy,” she said.

I raised my eyebrows, seeing a flashback playing in my mind. “Why? The people here like Korean names.”

“Because the people here like Korean names,” she replied in a way that shifted my argument into her answer. She was truly odd in that sense, living up to the reputation she was known as.

“What good is it to try and fit into society if you lose a part of yourself? I like being different,” she elaborated.

Her words were a strange echo of what Myungsoo had told me years ago. Perhaps he was attracted to her because of their similarities. I hated it.

I tried too hard in the past few years to build a fake image for myself in order to fit in with the crowd. No one could preach to me that being different defined uniqueness. Because in this messed up world we live in, being different was a plea to be condemned. I refused to succumb myself to the judgement of other people.

“Wow, you’re filled with such wisdom” I told her using a cheery tone every other person would’ve used. I grabbed her hand in mine, squeezing it hard, ready to find faults I could expose.

“I’m sure we’ll be great friends.”

 

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	3. Modest

**Three Years Ago**

Damn those girls and their legs of steel. When they kicked me on my shin, I didn’t think it would leave a purplish mark after a week. I was forced to cover my wound using knee length socks. It looked like a fashion disaster with my uniform. Why couldn’t Korea allow freedom of fashion? Now I had no choice but to roll up the upper part of my skirt, creating more distance where my skirt ended and my socks began.

Of course, such fashion statements were misunderstood by narrow minded people, a.k.a. my schoolmates.

“Slut,” a girl called out to me as I walked up the stairs. Boys were crowding around me, trying to get a peek under my skirt. I had prepared for such a possibility and wore tight black shorts underneath.

“I thought a slut was defined as a woman who has many sexual partners. Unlike you, I am still a virgin,” I announced coolly. I took pride in being different. I was waiting for the right person instead of letting boys thrust in and out of me like their weekly visits to a barbershop.

“W-what? I am not a slut,” the girl stammered.

I observed her constantly glancing to a certain direction, seeking approval from someone else. Ah, it was a guy. Perhaps her boyfriend. Perhaps her crush. This could be fun.

“So why did you show me your collection of condoms yesterday asking me to keep my mouth shut in front of him?” I asked, cocking my head towards the guy she kept glancing at.

The confidence on her face shattered immediately and she grew red with embarrassment and fury. She looked like a tomato about to explode and immediately chased after the said guy. I laughed at her pathetic attempt as I continued my way down the hallway.

Myungsoo was waiting in front of the classroom, posing against the wall. He decided not to join the commotion, but approached me as soon as he spotted me. His eyes went to my skirt, and I saw a flicker of disagreement.

“Why is your skirt so low?” He asked.

“So it would match my socks,” I simply answered, tapping my foot forward to show off my black colored Hello Kitty socks.

“Why are your socks so high?”

I hesitated a little, but Myungsoo had a welcoming aura. I knew he would accept me despite my flaws. With him I could be honest.

“To cover my wounds,” I replied.

Myungsoo sighed, taking off the blazer from his body. He did not ask me additional questions, knowing what had happened the week prior. “Is it normal to wear a skirt this short in the US?”

“A girl once wore a black bra with a vulgar fishnet sweater to class.”

Myungsoo chuckled at that image. I noticed the dimples appearing on the corner of his lips when he smiled. He wrapped his arm around me, setting my heart on a rampage. I thought he offered me a comforting hug, but realized he was tying his blazer around my waist to hide my skin from being exposed too much.

“This isn’t San Francisco, Krystal. I hope I am not ruining your fashion statement, but girls should dress modestly,” he said, melting me with his gentleman mannerism.

I looked at myself. It was utterly ridiculous, but I couldn’t help but laugh. “You can call me Soojung.”

“I told you I like Krystal,” he pleaded like a puppy.

“I insist on Soojung.”

“Let me practice my English.”

“No.”

“Fine, Krystal.”

I laughed harder than I should at that, as did Myungsoo. Whatever names and insults people called me afterwards did not matter to me. Myungsoo called me by name.

Oh, and the girl who called me a slut? She got dumped by her boyfriend.

***

**Present**

In my pursuit to befriend Bae Suzy, I made an effort to come to her classroom every breaktime, inviting her to eat lunch with me. The others stared at me wide eyed, a mixture of confusion and admiration piling within.

Suzy was in front of the classroom, dusting the board again. Did she have a weird chalk fetish or something? I wished she could wipe that dumb look from her face as well, cause it annoyed me like hell.

“I haven’t finished my class duty.” She looked at me like a lifeless person, and blindly moved her hand to erase the writings on the board.

“I’m sure someone else is willing to help you out.” I yanked the duster from both her hands, and neatly placed it on the nearest table at the front. “Right?”

All I had to do was bat my eyelashes, offer a smile, and press my arms together to show more volume to my breasts, and the guy at the table said an immediate yes. Pathetic pervert.

“Come on now.” I took Suzy’s hand, leading her outside. It was always nicer outside because of the seclusion and privacy—it was easier to corrupt Bae Suzy.

We sat at the staircase leading to the back entrance of the main building. No one ever came there because the door was always locked. I had to set my plan into motion and be extra friendly.

“What did you bring for lunch? Oh, a bento box! How cute,” I said, looking at the lunchbox she took out. My voice hurt from squealing in such a girly way. And who was I kidding? Her lunchbox looked like a kitchen disaster. Plus, it reeked like a possum had died.

“I made it myself, though I am not a very good cook. My mother is always busy at work, so I have to take care of me and my father,” Suzy started opening up. Who asked her for her sob story? But I nodded my head and faked the undying attention I gave her. Something about her mother being busy, bla, bla, bla.

“Ah, that explains why you’re lacking feminine qualities,” I interrupted, a sudden idea brewing.

“W-what?”

“A girl has to look her best at all times in order to make a guy fall for her.” I stood up, showing off my amazing figure. I almost blurted out a line to exalt myself, but soon remembered which mask I was wearing. “You must have a guy you like, right? I can help you get his attention.”

Suzy flinched, blushing furiously at my speech. “I don’t think it will work. He wouldn’t like me in a romantic way.”

Damn right, he wouldn’t. Even if he did, I’ll be there to change his mind.

“Aw, don't give up before even trying. Here let me help you,” I said, the fake voice becoming more natural at this point. I set her untouched lunchbox aside and raised her by her hand Ugh, her Catholic schoolgirl length skirt was killing me physically and mentally.

“First, you need to show off more skin. Guys go crazy over them,” I told her wisely. Every guy would, except Myungsoo. “Plus, it would make your legs seem less fat.”

“But… But… It would be like selling myself,” Suzy spoke in embarrassment, holding her hand over her crotch to keep her skirt in place.

I felt my boiling point rising. If I wasn’t pretending to be nice, I would’ve slapped that stupid brain out of her stupid head. Seemed I had to change my tactic.

“What? Do you really view me in that way? I would never turn you into those type of girls.” I trembled my voice a little, sniffed the non existent snot in my nose, and rubbed the imaginary tears from my eyes. “I only tried to help you… But… But…”

“Ah! No, I understand your intention. Please don’t cry. I will do as you say,” Suzy quickly said in an attempt to make me stop.

“Really?” I looked at her with sparkling eyes and smiled brightly. She was easily manipulated by tears, I noted. “Will you let me help you then?”

“Yes, of course.” Suzy smiled.

Her lips were a thread of scarlet without the use of any cosmetics. When she perked her lips up, it radiated pure bliss—not just to herself, but also to her onlookers. It softened my heart, and I despised her for it. I hated her smile.

But for both our sake, I maintained my smile and proceeded giving her instructions to cut her skirt. I didn’t want her to use temporary safety pins and convinced her to cut it entirely. That way, the damage would be permanent.

The next day, I had chosen the longest skirt in my possession. It made me look like a saint in comparison to someone wearing a slutty mini skirt. The contrast played a big role today.

As soon as I set foot in the hallway, a crowd had gathered in front of class 1-A. I raised on my toes, trying to catch a glimpse of the cause. As expected, everyone was in an uproar at the new image of Bae Suzy. She wore her skirt so short, a small breeze could expose her underwear. Poor girl. She was so stupid for believing in my lie, and a frickin idiot for actually carrying it out. I wanted to escape to the bathroom and laugh out loud.

But the moment I turned around, I bumped against none other than Myungsoo. He showed similar interest in the crowd, but a worried expression fell over his face.

“What is going on?” He asked me.

I fiddled with my long skirt, clearly hinting that I was being modest. My other finger brushed against my lips, and I looked away melancholically.

“Bae Suzy is trying to change her image. She cut her skirt too low and exposes a lot of skin. What is going on in her mind?” I commented, sighing to show a great disappointment, but ensuring my tone was sympathetic enough. I fiddled with the crystal beads of my bracelet, putting up an anxious act.

“She was never like this before,” Myungsoo said, his eyes bearing into my soul in search for unanswered questions. He was worried. My heart constricted in pain, knowing his worries weren’t meant for me.

“There are rumors going around that she is trying to seduce guys and get their attention,” I said, twirling my bracelet hesitantly. It sounded like a legit and believable reason, but I wasn’t sure it won him over.

Myungsoo heaved a deep sigh, mentally preparing himself to enter the battlefield. He took off his blazer like he did for me, and pushed his way through the crowd.

I stood by in horrid. Was he treating Bae Suzy the same way he treated me? No. That act was supposed to be a special memory between the two of us. I refused to share it with any other girl, especially Bae Suzy. This was supposed to repel Myungsoo, not attract him.

“Show’s over, go back to your classes!” Myungsoo shouted, reaching Suzy who had been cornered in the center of the classroom. They shared a brief eye contact, then he placed his blazer over her shoulder, letting the oversized attire cover her thinner frame. He grabbed her by the hand and pulled her away from the audience. Away from the spotlight. Away from me. They passed me like I didn’t exist.

My heart stung with pain as I watched their backside disappearing into the hallway, her hand still in his. Myungsoo didn’t rescue me from a condemning crowd. He didn’t pull me away to be alone. He never intended on treating me and Suzy the same way, because treating a friend was different from treating a crush.

I nearly broke down, mentally defeated. My brain told me to return to class, but my legs had a will of their own as I followed the two. They were standing at the staircase, just the two of them. The morning sunlight casted a bright glare on them, creating an angelic halo above their head.

“Did something happen to you?” Myungsoo asked, his voice so soft and concerned like I had never heard before. It was raw and fragile, like he deliberately exposed his weakness in front of her.

“I tried to be more fashionable… Because… I heard guys like girls wearing short skirts,” Suzy said, fluttering the side of her skirt. The small move nearly exposed her panties, and Myungsoo quickly grabbed her wrist to stop her movements.

“Not all guys,” he then said, so soft I nearly missed it. I took a peek from the wall, watching a new side of Myungsoo I hadn’t seen before. He was blushing. His cheeks were painted in two big splatters of red, making him seem even more adorable. His inability to stare in her eyes for too long quickly made him avert his sight.

“I… I like girls who are modest. Those who don’t show off a lot of skin,” he confessed, increasing the bright color on his cheeks.

“Oh?” Suzy’s reply was utterly delighted as a great relief washed over her. “I wasn’t sure whether the new style would fit me. I was trying to… get noticed.”

“Don’t ever change, Suzy,” Myungsoo said. His voice laced with so much affection as he smiled. “You are perfect just the way you are.”

I thudded my back against the wall, looking down at my skirt reaching below my knees. Tears crept into my eyes, blurring my vision with speckled white dots. It had dawned upon me that I was in love with a liar.

He did not like modestly dressed girls, he liked Bae Suzy along with all her flaws and shortcomings. If I drew more attention to her bad traits, would he still love her?


	4. Chapter 4

**Three Years Ago**

After school hours, I would occasionally ask Myungsoo to hang out with me. I had no other friends, so he was the only person I could ask. Correction. Even if I had other friends, he was still the only person I would ask.

Myungsoo always agreed, never saying no. I didn’t know whether he accompanied me because he wanted to or felt I was his community service project. Either way, I enjoyed being in his presence. When it was just the two of us after school hours, I felt he was mine.

There was a festival in town that day and many street vendors lined up along the street, selling handmade ornaments. I had no idea what the festival was about, which I had gotten used to from living in San Francisco. One time, people dressed up as short sleeved Santa Clauses and marched around the city. It wasn’t even Christmas.

“So what are people celebrating?” I asked, walking next to Myungsoo. His steps were small for a guy his height. As I continued watching, I had unconsciously matched the pace of our steps, left, right, left, right. Would people think we were a couple if they looked at us?

“It’s a festival called Chilseok,” he answered, smiling as I lifted my eyebrows in confusion. “It’s based on the tale of a seamstress who fell in love with a herder across the galaxy. The king of heaven allowed them to marry, but they were too deeply in love and neglected their duties.”

“That’s stupid and irresponsible,” I commented, making him laugh. My cynical frown soon turned into a bashful smile. I love being the reason of his laughters.

“Stupid, indeed. The king decided to separate them, allowing them to meet once a year on July 7th.”

My eyes sprung up in realization. “That’s today!”

He nodded, amused at my sudden child-like antics. Sometimes, when I had my moment of epiphany, I was no longer the cold ice princess people knew me as.

“They say if you see crows and magpies soaring through the sky, they’re actually building a bridge across the Milky Way for the star crossed lovers to meet up. And if it rains, the lovers are crying.”

I was silenced, not knowing what to say. My tongue wanted to make a snarky remark, but the story itself was too tragic to be ruined. In a way, it reminded me of my story with Myungsoo. I had flown all the way from San Francisco to meet him here, and yet, heavens hadn’t allowed us to be together yet.

“Would you have gone through so much trouble if you ever liked someone?” I unconsciously questioned what was supposed to be kept in my mind.

He stared at me wide eyed as his cheeks flushed a faint red glow. He was embarrassed, and I resisted the urge to pinch his cheeks.

“How could you ask me such a private question?” He whined a little. No one at school would expect the number one ranked student, Kim Myungsoo, to coo his face in such a child-like manner. It prompted me to dig deeper.

“Now I’m wondering what type of girl you’d like,” I started teasing him, hoping he would describe me.

“That’s too embarrassing.” He looked away, hiding his mouth behind the sleeve of his uniform.

“Tell me yours, and I’ll tell you mine,” I coolly said.

He quieted down, biting his lips together as he pondered deeply about it. The question was harder than solving than a math equation to him. Then he confessed, “I like girls with long hair.”

I took a strand of my hair, measuring its length. It was long.

“I like…” He trailed off, facing the ground in an attempt to hide his face from me. He rubbed the back of his head with frustration. “This is really embarrassing to say. Promise you won’t laugh at me?”

“You could have a crush on Sailormoon and I still wouldn’t judge you.” I paused, reconsidering my words. “Okay, maybe just a little.”

He looked at me dumbfounded and started to laugh, a pleasant sound that set my heart at peace and caused it to thud louder at the same time.

“Some people have the aura to draw others in with their kindness and purity. They just never know when to give up and sees the world as a half full glass. If I met someone like that, I’d fall for her.”

I stared at him and allowed his words to sink in my mind. I drew people in with my exceptional beauty, but didn’t bother to show any kindness to people who son’t deserve it. As for innocence? Hah! Try living in San Francisco for a week and come talk to me about innocence. Considering the amount of gunshots being fired around the corner every month, being innocent was a liability.

“Okay, I’ve been completely honest with you. Now tell me your ideal type,” he said, holding me by my shoulder to prevent me from running away. I considered elongating my silence to keep his hands on me, but to my disappointment, he withdrew it.

“I like guys who are completely honest with me,” I said bluntly, an indirect confession hinting towards himself. But being a male homo sapien, he was too stupid to understand that.

I turned around from him and started walking ahead as he chased me, demanding more elaboration.

Right then and there, I made up my mind to change. For Myungsoo, I was willing to become his ideal type.

***

**Present**

I sat at my desk, staring out the window. The Summer in South Korea was always extremely hot, especially in July. I saw a small breeze blowing against the leaves of the tree and physically felt the warmth of a hairdryer against my skin. It would be nice to have something cold to eat now.

Suddenly, there was a small lunchbox filled with ball shaped watermelons on my desk. My wish was granted.

“Since it’s Chilseok today, I made these as a small gift for you.” I immediately recognized the voice as Bae Suzy. Her tone was lower than that of an average girl, filled with shyness and hesitation. Most importantly, I always felt a violent urge within me whenever she spoke.

Time to raise the curtains.

“Wow, did you make these yourself?” I asked, clasping my hands together, widening my eyes to the point they could fall off my socket. If this was an anime, you could technically see sparkles protruding from it

“Yeah, I wanted to make heart shaped watermelons, but I don’t think I did a great job at it.” She took a seat at the empty desk next to mine.

I punctured my fork in one. Upon closer inspection, it wasn’t even shaped like a ball, but resembled a weird deformed lab experiment gone wrong. A toddler could’ve done a better job.

“It’s not the looks that matter, but the inside,” I offered her my wise insight for free and took a bite of the fruit.

Immediately, I felt the urge to gag and vomit to her face. Not only was she bad at cutting watermelons, she couldn’t even identify a ripe fruit! She’d make a terrible housewife.

“Does it taste bad?” Suzy asked me, her pretty face drooping with concern. I hate how it made her look even prettier. If it weren’t for her reputation as a weirdo, many guys would’ve fallen for her.

“N-no… It’s just so unique I have a hard time adjusting to it,” I told her in a nice and polite manner. My hand elegantly clasped over my mouth as I did my best to swallow the fruit without having to chew on it too much. Every bite made me nauseous.

It must’ve gotten other people’s attention as Sunyoung and Jinri joined in, gathering around my table. They took a piece with their bare hand, and I anticipated their reaction. Unlike me, they had the freedom to spit it out.

“You call this a watermelon? Can’t you do a proper job?” Jinri started scolding, pushing Suzy’s head with her manicured finger. Suzy wobbled back and forth in her seat like a roly-poly toy.

Sunyoung threw a clean piece on the floor, right beside my desk. It made me want to kick her ass. How dare she dirty my territory?

“You should be responsible for the trash you bring to school. Clean up Soojung’s table before the boys get mad,” Sunyoung told her, squashing the watermelon underneath her shoes.

My anger suddenly turned into a moment of enlightenment. I could use this opportunity to gain sympathy for myself and add on my likability points.

“Don’t be so harsh on her, Sunyoung,” I said with a sweet smile. I took some tissues I always carried in my bag and got down from my seat. A chorus of gasps followed me as I knelt down on the floor, picking up the dirty piece of watermelon.

My walk to the trashcan felt like an Olympic run whereby the trash became my torch of pride. They stared at me with newfound respect. Who else would be kind and humble enough to clean up after someone else’s mess other than the fake me? I just had to make sure they knew who to blame.

“I’m sure Suzy didn’t mean to make me clean up her mess,” I hollered her name loud and clear, adding a pure and blameless smile to show my forgiving nature. But the damage was done. The guys turned to Suzy like she was a witch during the Salem trials. How could that nobody make me, Jung Soojung, the fantasy of all boys, do such a dirty work?

“You’ve got some real nerves,” one of the guys shouted. I think he was a member of my fanclub. Yes, someone as popular and pretty as me deserved it. I worked hard changing my image and got rewarded with a fanclub. “You can’t treat Soojung like that.”

“Yeah! Who do you think you are?”

Beautiful. I hid my smirk behind my worried frown, watching the small act develop into a chaotic onset of a battlefield. High school was the only place where people were stupid enough to escalate small issues into big problems. The only solution was to opt for violence, even if the opponent was a girl. Stupid boys had no moral code.

One of them had approached Suzy, picking her up by the collar of her white blouse. He looked so aggravated and angry, and I feared for Suzy’s safety a little. I do not want to be held responsible if she ended up in a comma. I supposed I should put a stop to this.

“Uhm…”

“Stop fighting in class unless you wanna get suspended.”

I halted, seeing someone else had stolen my line. Of course it was Myungsoo. He stood beside Suzy, heroically wrapping his fingers around the guy’s wrist. He exerted enough strength to have him writhing in pain and release Suzy at once.

“Go back to your seats if you don’t want me to report you to the teacher,” Myungsoo said, using his authority as our class president to threaten them all.

Everyone else obeyed him naturally, like filthy stray dogs falling under the spell of a dog whisperer. I stood in silence, frozen as I watched Myungsoo turn to Suzy. The violent look in his eyes softened up immediately.

“Are you okay?” He asked her carefully.

Suzy nodded, clearly shy at their close distance. She retracted her neck a little, staring at him with big innocent eyes.

“Were they fighting over this?” Myungsoo asked, pointing at the watermelon.

Suzy nodded again. And to both our surprise, he reached out to a piece. I wanted to yell and warn him to stop, but the fruit easily flung into his mouth before I found my voice.

“Hm, it’s really sweet,” he complimented her, turning his eyes into crescent moon shapes as he smiled.

I did not read any pretenses. He was genuinely complimenting her, accepting the bitter taste as something sweet.

“If you make more of this in the future, I’d be happy to try it all,” Myungsoo spoke kindly. Then he turned and returned to his table, not sparing me a single glance.

“Uhm… I… I will try my best to improve my skills to match all of your taste,” Suzy suddenly declared to the entire class. Then she proceeded to make a 90 degree bow to us all. “Thank you for your honest feedback.”

I scrunched my eyes, truly at a loss. Bae Suzy was unique in a weird way. Yet, it was because of this endless optimism that other classmates began talking about her—they whispered words of insults, but I could see the gleam in their eyes, seeing her in a new light. No one had ever stood up to criticism with such positivity, wanting to become better instead of biting back with hatred. She had become the light.

“Soojung, I’m sorry if it wasn’t that tasty. I promise I will make it better next time so I can give you the very best,” Suzy told me with a wide grin plastered on her face. She closed the lid on her lunchbox and returned to her own class, leaving me to ponder in my solitude.

Bae Suzy was the epitome of Myungsoo’s ideal girl. She extruded such kindness and purity I could never fake no matter how hard I tried. Perhaps, the fruit tasted sweet to Myungsoo because he saw the true beauty within her. And to me whose heart was rotten, I could only taste bitterness.

I remembered the Chulseok story Myungsoo told me years ago. I realized my role wasn’t the seamstress forbidden from seeing my herder. No. I was the king of heaven doing my best to separate Myungsoo and Suzy.

If I couldn’t be Myungsoo's ideal girl, no one else could.


	5. Alliance

**Three Years Ago**

If I wasn’t with Myungsoo, I was always surrounded by girls. We weren’t friends. My relationship with the other girls were more of a prey and predator. They all thought they were the lion and that I was a worthless impala. But they were wrong. I was the lioness reigning supreme, and they were the frightened impalas trying to threaten me. A lion had authority even by itself, but weaker animals needed to stand together to become stronger.

As was the case with Jia and her bunch of fellow Chinese transfer students. Being non Koreans, they were also victims of bullying and discrimination, but at least they were together. When two impalas form an alliance to haul their strength, it won’t change the fact they were mere impalas. I, on the other hand, was the only person from the US, thus putting me at the bottom of the food chain.

“I broke up with my boyfriend because of you! You seduced him!” The one named Jia yelled, pushing my entire body against the blue tiles of the bathroom.

I frowned, wondering how this stupid accusation came to be. “I never seduced anyone,” I told her coolly, not giving her the satisfaction of scaring me.

“I saw you talking to him!” Jia said.

I rolled my eyes even as my wrist were still chained to the wall. “What kind of insecure biatch do you have to be to worry about him talking to other girls?”

That earned me a slap against the face. As she released her strength on my arm, I dropped down to the floor immediately. She was surprisingly strong for someone so skinny.

I tilted my head at her, not bothering to brush my sweaty hair strands aside, and smirked. You do not anger a lioness and expect her to leave you alone.

“He obviously made the right choice breaking up with you. Your insecurity makes you ugly on the inside, and your oily skin makes you ugly on the outside. Maybe you were only good in bed, but I suppose he wanted sex with the lights off.”

Jia was the first one who lost her temper and started kicking me as I lied crouched on the floor. The other girls soon followed and dealt more damage to my body.

I was certain they had no grudge against me. They were merely following the crowd. If they weren’t the oppressor, they’d be the oppressed. So they did their best to fit in. It was a survival instinct, I suppose. We needed to follow the strongest one out there to survive, but they chose the wrong leader.

The next day, Myungsoo had asked me about my bruises. I told him I was fine, having other things on my mind. I did the one thing Jia was most afraid of. I talked to her ex-boyfriend, trying to see what would happen if I seduced him.

Once he got the taste of a goddess, he would never want to be with a peasant ever again.

***

**Present**

“Today we have a new student,” Mr. Park announced, cueing for the student to enter the classroom.

As soon as the door slid open and a figure walked in, we stood amazed. My first impression of him was that of a rich kid. His uniform was remade using a more expensive material than anyone else’s. He had his hair waxed and combed back like a CEO of a multi billion dollar company. There was some slight arrogance and confidence on his face that made him appear vain, but with a visual as handsome as him, he’d be excused. His skin was quite an exotic tan, slightly darker than anyone I had ever seen.

The girls were fawning over him, and the guys were intimidated by him. For me, Myungsoo was much better, of course.

“Hi, my name is Kim Jongin,” the boy introduced himself, winking to the class. He sure knew how to woo a crowd. “I’m excited to be here and hope to get along with you all. Please take care of me.”

Everyone applauded, mainly those horny stuck up females. Look at Jinri and Sunyoung staring at him, mentally undressing the poor lad. Everyone tried to gain his attention in some way.

“There is an empty chair next to Jung Soojung. You can sit there,” Mr. Park told him, pointing at me.

Of course, it had to be beside me. Because out of every girl in the class, I was probably the only who didn’t give a crap about him. Staring outside the window and daydreaming about Myungsoo was much more enjoyable.

“Hey, Soojung, is it?” This Jongin guy called out to me. Our table was at the very back of the class, positioned against the window.

I literally felt everyone’s eyes on me, but instead of flying daggers, it were eyes of defeat. This wasn’t my middle school years. In high school, I had the reputation of a primadonna and was off limits. I even had my own fanclub. If the new hot guy wanted me, they’d accept their defeat willingly.

My eyes glanced over to Myungsoo who was on the other side of the room. He watched me intently. My heart skipped a beat, fluttering at the way his eyes showed so much concern. After being forgotten thanks to Suzy’s presence, he finally seemed to remember my existence. It was all thanks to Kim Jongin.

“Yes. I hope we’ll get along well,” I told him, showing a flashier smile than usual. I couldn’t help it, my heart was in ecstasy because of Myungsoo.

“I’m sure we will. Birds of a feather flock together. That’s something good looking people like us would understand,” he said, smiling at me.

He was more vain that I thought, and had the audacity to speak such an arrogant statement using the sweetest smile. Anyone else would’ve been propelled to ignore him, but I was immensely drawn to his arrogance. In that sense, we were quite similar.

“You are very handsome indeed. You’ll become the talk of the school in no time,” I told him, smiling in my fake cheerful persona.

“And I suppose you are the femme fatale?” He asked, propping his head against his hand, looking at me with such interest.

I let out a bashful smile and twirled my hair, the crystal bead bracelet dancing along the movement. “You’re too kind. That would be an overstatement,” I said.

“Hm, I assure you it’s not,” Jongin told me. I saw the last of his confident grin before he turned his head to the lecture. “This will be an interesting year.”

From the corner of my eyes, I saw Myungsoo throwing occasional glances at my direction. Could he be worried? Was he jealous, perhaps?

The thought made me so giddy as time carried us to our lunchbreak.

“You’ve been smiling all day long. Can I assume you are extremely happy to have a benchmate or are you always this full of cheers?” Jongin suddenly questioned me, chuckling a little as if I was amusing to him.

“Something good happened to me today,” I told him. The way I said it did not require a mask. It was perhaps the first time in forever since I had made a statement as the real me.

“Ah, that makes the two of us.” He bobbed his head along to my statement.

Again, I wanted to take a secret peek at Myungsoo, wondering if he was still watching me with vexed jealousy. But when I tilted my head to his direction, the door was opened, and in walked Bae Suzy with that idiotic grin on her face.

In that very split second, I saw Myungsoo’s eyes immediately averting to her presence. Instead of the intensity he gave me, he stared at her like she was a breeze of fresh air.

“Soojung, I need your help,” she said, her raspy voice calling out to me.

Bae Suzy always went to our class to find me, though it was a secret excuse to see Myungsoo as well. In the short amount of time, I had somehow become her one and only friend, and also the bridge that brought her closer to Myungsoo. FML.

She looked surprised to see the empty bench next to me occupied for once. Jongin and Suzy stared at each other, both holding a blank and empty stare.

Then Jongin broke out into that charming grin I had gotten used to. “Are you a friend of Soojung’s? Feel free to use this seat,” he spoke, quickly getting up.

“Ah, no, no, no. I… I can keep standing.” Suzy repositioned her legs determinedly like a soldier at attention, refusing to meet Jongin’s eyes. She had gotten so comfortable around me I forgot how much of a lousy conversationalist she was. It was so awkward she was embarrassing me.

Jongin chuckled instead, seemingly amused by anything anyone did. “My name is Kim Jongin,” he introduced himself, stretching his hand out.”

“Ah…” Suzy trailed off, staring at his hand with hesitation. She wasn’t just a lousy conversationalist, but one might mistake her for having zero manners. I truly wanted to ignore her and her stupidity, but I was wearing my mask now.

“She’s a little shy, I hope you can forgive her,” I said, giggling a little at the sight.

“On the contrary, I think it’s cute,” Jongin fired back, surprising myself. He continued staring at that stupid face Suzy was making. “Makes you seem even prettier when you’re face is all red.”

I looked back and forth between Suzy and Jongin, then Jongin and Suzy. Was he hitting on her?

Before they could say anything further, Myungsoo suddenly appeared in the picture. He reached out to Jongin’s extended hand, ensuring Suzy wouldn’t take his handshake.

“I’m the class president, Kim Myungsoo. If you have any questions or need help, you can always come to me.”

As expected, Myungsoo was always so dependable. A mere introduction had me grinning from ear to ear.

“Ah, what a firm handshake you have. Are you a part of any sports club?” Jongin asked, showing sudden excitement and interest.

Myungsoo was taken aback. He didn’t think his initial intention to keep Suzy away from Jongin would meet such a reversal. “Yeah, I play for our school’s baseball team.”

“Really? I’ve been playing baseball since middle school. I was the ace pitcher on my team,” Jongin said, his eyes gleaming with increased excitement. “What do you play as?”

“Myungsoo’s the catcher. A very good one at that,” I answered for him, my voice beaming with pride.

Myungsoo momentarily looked at me and smiled. Was he remembering those moments when I waited after school to watch him practice? I came to every single one of his matches.

“You… You play baseball?” Suzy timidly asked Myungsoo.

And of course, she had no clue. Considering she liked him, I thought she would’ve put in more efforts to get to know him. Clearly she wasn’t that interested. She didn’t know Myungsoo as well as I did.

“Well, hit me up if the team’s looking for new members. I’d love to join,” Jongin said, nudging Myungsoo by his arm.

“A big game’s coming up next season. I’ll talk to the coach for you,” Myungsoo said.

“Thanks, man!” Jongin jerked his arms once more, giving his thumbs up. Then he turned to Suzy with a playful grin. “I hope you can come and watch me play once I join the team. I’m sure it’s gonna bring me luck.”

Suzy’s surprise came in the form of a red blush. Myungsoo saw all of this happening, and a frown appeared on his forehead. I was merely observing. Jongin was definitely hitting on Suzy.

“Break’s almost over. It would be better for you to return to your class now,” Myungsoo said to Suzy. Seeing the red glow remain on her face made him somewhat uncomfortable. “Let me walk you.”

“Ah… Okay,” Suzy replied shyly, keeping her head down as Myungsoo carefully placed his hand on her back, leading the way.

Jongin’s eyes trailed after them as they left, and I needed to confirm my gut feelings.

“Do you like Suzy?”

It did not make him flinch in his seat, instead he cocked his head to me and grinned. “There are barely any innocent and pure girls like her around. Makes me feel like I wanna expose her to all sorts of new experiences.”

I kept my face as neutral as possible, trying not to decipher what the last bit of his words meant. Technically, I had all I needed know. Jongin could become the key to keep Suzy away from Myungsoo. If they started dating, I could have Myungsoo all to myself. That was it.

“I could help you get closer to Bae Suzy,” I suggested, my tone unconsciously returning to the wicked person I truly was.

“Really?” Jongin turned to me, folding his arms, raising his eyebrows, and grinned. “What’s in it for you?”

Damn, he was sharp.

“I saw the way Suzy looked at you, and she had never given another guy that same look. If you two ended up together, it would make me happy,” I said, giggling in that annoying high pitched girly voice.

“So this is all out of your goodhearted nature?” Jongin asked, squinting his eyes at me, expecting me to confess my sins.

“Of course. It makes me happy if my friends are happy,” I added on, putting up my most convincing act. He just needed to agree.

“Fine,” he finally said, releasing the tension in my heart, but he wasn’t done. “If that is what you’d like me to believe, then so be it. But I know very well as you do that you have other ulterior motives. As long as I get Suzy, I am very eager to see what kind of show you’ll put up.”

I was baffled, looking at him completely caught off guard. We had only known each other for a few hours, and he immediately saw through my facade. Who was this Kim Jongin, really?

“As you said, this will be an interesting year,” I told him instead, not showing how he had gotten through me. I smiled, and repositioned myself to face the blackboard in front.

At that moment, I realized why he reminded me of myself. Like me, he was a predator. When two lions form an alliance to haul their strength, they’d be undefeatable.

 


	6. Secret Sign

**Three Years Ago**

I sat on those dirty bench on the side of the baseball field. Ever since Myungsoo announced he had been accepted into our school’s baseball club, I made sure to watch every single one of his practices. Sure, I didn’t know a thing about baseball, and I had no idea what these people were supposed to do, but nothing gave me more joy than watching Myungsoo being passionate in his field. People glowed more when they liked someone or something. I wonder if he ever noticed the way I radiated in front of him, on top of my well established beauty.

Myungsoo squatted down behind the guy holding the baseball stick. From my angle, I could barely make out his movements. But the ball thrower, or pitcher as I had been taught, nodded once at Myungsoo. Some sort of secret exchange must’ve happened. Perhaps Myungsoo’s role was to relay secret codes instead of being direct with the things he wanted to say.

Once again, I was a lost cause when the guys started roaring a yell so loud I could’ve gotten a heart attack. Myungsoo got up from his place, running to his team members who all wore a black shirt, draped in sweat. They disgustingly embraced each other like little school girls playing ring around the rosy, their damp clothes sticking to each other.

As I frowned in disgust, I caught Myungsoo turning to the audience seat. His eyes scanned the place before resting on me, seemingly widening with a brilliant glow as he waved at me. I could only wish and assume those radiant smiles were only meant for me, but the group of fangirls behind me proved otherwise. They fawned, shouting their shrill voices like a mouse choking on helium. I openly placed my hand against my ears, signaling them to be quiet. They were too stupid to understand, of course.

“Why don’t you ever cheer for me?” Myungsoo asked when we walked home that day. He smelled like sweat, and even my fondness for him could not mask the horrific odor away. Thank God he was handsome.

“Like those choking mice behind me?” I asked, keeping my face straight.

“Choking mice?” He repeated, staring at me flabbergasted. It took him several seconds before understand whom it referred to. “Not like them, cause they were honestly distracting our concentration.”

“I will never stoop to their level,” I said coolly. A person like me maintained dignity and possessed the poise of a rich spoiled heiress. I will not fawn over a sweaty boy, even if he happened to be Kim Myungsoo.

“I really want you to cheer for me too. It could really boost my moral, you know?” He said, smiling so adorably in anticipation I’d say yes. If I parted my lips right now, I would probably have agreed, so I deliberately delayed a few seconds to cool my yearning heart.

“I shall cheer for you in silence,” I said, keeping my eyes straight on the road. I felt him stare at me, and I loved the attention.

“What do you mean?”

I stopped walking and turned on my heel to face him. Had I been a second later, he would’ve bumped into me. As he stared at me with the innocence of a lost sheep, I pressed my right fist against my lips, faintly kissing my thumb before shaping it like a gun, shooting midair.

“When I do that, it’s as if I’m cheering out loud for you,” I said.

Myungsoo’s beautiful eyes widened and he tried to copy my movements. I had to repeat it several times, until he got the hang of it. Honestly, I had no idea where it came from, but he looked incredibly good doing it.

“I love it!” Myungsoo exclaimed, setting a spark into my heart. He kept doing the movement again and again, as if he was addicted to it. “This shall be our secret sign.”

I looked away immediately, trying to hide the bashful smile growing on my face. It was our secret sign indeed.

“Hey, you know what,” he suddenly began, looking hesitant. He pressed his lips together to the point its red color faded into white.

“What?” His gaze was suddenly so serious, and I couldn’t help my clamoring heart from thinking he wanted to tell me something important.

He avoided my eyes, tucking his hands into his pockets, and proceeded to take stiff steps forward. His lips trembled with the message he had second thoughts about relaying, but eventually he gave in to his will.

“If something or someone is bothering you, you can always come to me,” he said.

My heart flinched, and my face muscles turned stoic. This was not what I had expected at all. I tried my best to hide it from him, wearing long socks and long sleeved cardigans to conceal the bruises, but he knew. He paid attention.

“If you can’t tell me out loud, you could give me a signal, and I would always come running to you,” he said, motioning once again, putting more depth into the meaning of our sign.

***

**Present**

Myungsoo was a man of his word. In between his club practices, he had told his coach about Jongin’s interest in their baseball club. He told all about Jongin’s achievement, which I suspected he made up on the spot. I never saw those guys interact before. Then again, I wasn’t 24/7 near Myungsoo as I used to.

The coach called Jongin for a practice session, which was a friendlier term for his audition. He could either make it or break it through his performance in this one game. Jongin invited both me and Suzy to watch along.

I kept quiet as Suzy was pretty much in awe and squealing to herself about everything. A sweatdrop may have rolled down one of the baseball dude’s neck, and she would still consider it the wonder of the world. I tried to channel out her voice, focusing on the pack of strawberry milk I got myself from the cafeteria.

“Alright, let’s get started!” Coach Ryu shouted, clapping his massive hands like he was practicing on a punching bag.

My eyes trailed after Myungsoo, watching as he headed to his usual position as the catcher. He looked up to our direction—I would like to believe he looked at me, but I wasn’t foolish enough to mask his undeniable attraction toward Suzy. But suddenly, he set his fist to his lips, and fired upwards with his hand shaped like a gun.

I smiled. It was our sign! I reciprocated and mimicked his movement. It got him to flash that beautiful dimpled smile at me before he repositioned his baseball cap and squatted down on the floor.

“What was that?” Suzy asked, staring at me with big eyes of amazement. To my horror, she tried imitating our secret signal.

“A special thing between me and Myungsoo,” I told her, emphasizing I had no interest in sharing it with an outsider.

“That is so cute. How do you do it?”

I forgot this particular outsider had the brain of a guinea pig. She would only understand things when put very bluntly. I almost wanted to take a chainsaw and chop her hand off for trying out my secret sign with Myungsoo, but I was too much of a proper lady to do that.

“It’s between me and Myungsoo,” I spoke again, ignoring her blank stare as I continued sucking the air from my strawberry milk. It had been empty for a while, but I continued to indulge myself in it though it no longer benefited me.

I had no idea what was happening in the game. All I saw was Jongin nodding at Myungsoo, as every pitcher did, before he threw the ball right into Myungsoo’s hand. I may not have a lot of experience in sports, but I definitely saw the ball curve a little before it flew straight back to Myungsoo’s direction.

The entire field began to cheer, and Myungsoo joined. As always, he did not forget to turn back and look at me, doing our sign. I was about to reply to him, when all of a sudden, miss guinea pig decided to try her hand at it. What the hell? She stole yet another thing that was precious to me and Myungsoo. And to my greatest disappointment, Myungsoo laughed in amusement. It tore my heart into pieces, had someone bulldoze over the broken fragments, only to be hauled into a burning pool of inferno afterwards.

The more I hung with Suzy, the more I despised her. The more I despised her, the more I wanted to destroy her. Perhaps I haf been too nice for too long.

“It was three years ago when we made that sign for each other,” I began, watching the boy resume their position on the field. This time, Jongin held a baseball bat as he would be tested on his accuracy and agility.

“Really? What for?” Suzy asked, completely immersed in the story.

“He said he wanted me to cheer for him,” I said, unconsciously smiling at the thought. This much of the history was true, and I remembered the way he used to smile like an angel. But Suzy stole the bits of quirks Myungsoo used to share with me alone.

“Ah… He said that?” Suzy repeated, and I noted the immediate falter in her tone. Her smile arched awkwardly, though it still made her appear beautiful. Her mini peanut brain finally began to comprehend the meaning behind my words.

“It was quite a memorable day,” I continued, squeezing the empty milk carton in my hand. My eyes stayed on Myungsoo, letting the wind carry away whatever good conscience was left in my heart. I wanted Bae Suzy to suffer.

“He confessed to me that day.” The lie blossomed from my mouth like poison ivy.

Suzy was horrible at masking her own expressions. She tried to act as nonchalant as possible, but the dejection in her eyes gave away her true feelings. She looked like a broken porcelain doll, and I wanted to shatter her even further.

“He asked me to be his girlfriend.”

I surprised myself at how much I enjoyed the pain imprinted on her face. Her lips arched downwards, quivering at my lie. Her eyes glistened with tears pooling at the side. What a cry baby.

“W-what did you reply?” Suzy managed to ask, sniffing a little as she quickly blinked the tears away from her eyes. She looked at me for an answer in her favor. I was not going to deliver that easily.

“I rejected him.”

Look at that stupid smile appearing on her stupid face. Her emotions were too easy to manipulate, and I used it to my advantage.

“But he didn’t give up. So after a year, he confessed to me again.” I shrugged nonchalantly, dealing with the dilemma of being beautiful as if it was a daily occurrence for me. “I kept rejecting him.”

“Why?” Suzy sniffed, hiccuping a little as she spoke. “Do you not like him?”

“I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. Afterwards, he asked me to act as normal friends around each other, as if he had never confessed to me at all.”

I carefully observed Suzy’s expression. She frowned with sympathy, feeling sorry for the both of us, though I read the relief on her tilting lips. Huh, she had a sly side too. Of course, no human being was purely angelic when a selfish desire rooted itself in our heart. But she could never outmatch me.

“He was so hurt after I kept rejecting him. I have never seen him with a girl afterwards, because he isn’t ready to be in love with someone else. No one knows him as well as I do. If he is nice to a girl, do you know what it means?”

Suzy swallowed her saliva, leaning closer to me to hear the big revelation.

“He uses them as rebound.”

Devastation washed over her face I could physically watch her skin turn blanch. I knew she was smart enough to fit the puzzle pieces together. Remembering the moments when he had shown nothing but endless kindness to her, she had now become a possibility of his rebound. It was the lie I was willing to nurture.

“I care for you enough and don’t want to see you heartbroken. So please don’t misunderstand him until he has moved on from me,” I said, placing my hand on her shoulder like a supportive female best friend would. I puckered my lips and batted my eyelashes to show her my most convincing sympathy.

Suzy grew stoic, keeping her silence for the rest of the game, as if she was trapped in the eye of a typhoon. We watched the game as Myungsoo and Jongin’s team began to cheer and huddle with one another. I assume they had won. As soon as Myungsoo turned to me, I did our sign, and he returned it with a wide grin.

Seeing this, Suzy was more convinced of my lie. She tilted her head toward the floor, avoiding to see our intimacy playing before her eyes like a haunting cassette tape. Checkmate.

“Hey girls! How did you like the game?” Jongin asked as he, in the glory of sweat drenching over his entire body, came running to us. He removed the baseball glove from his hand, grinning at me and Suzy.

“You were great,” I muttered an automated reply like the ones derived from textbooks. I faked my cheery persona in front of him, blatantly ignoring Suzy who had lost her will to smile.

Jongin squinted his eyes at me, twisting his lips into a smirk that slightly intimidated me. “You had no idea what I was even doing, did you?” He asked, as always, seeing through my lies.

Of course, I didn’t. I came here to see Myungsoo, you arrogant idiot. But I maintained my sweet smile with extra grace required. “I know your team won.”

“Thanks to your support,” Myungsoo told me, melting me with those mere words. Not once have I ever missed his game. Whether they were practice matches or official leagues, I attended them all. If only he knew of my sacrifices, perhaps he would’ve fallen for me.

In the midst of my thoughts, I caught him staring at Suzy with curious yet worried eyes. I hated the way his eyes softened up whenever he saw her, as if her presence and emotions were the driving force for his joy.

“You’ve been awfully quiet. What’s wrong?” He asked in a near whisper, a tone of genuine concern. She could’ve scraped her elbow, and I knew Myungsoo would carry her to the infirmary right away.

“N-nothing,” Suzy said, tilting her body sideways so that his hands wouldn’t reach her.

I may not know what is going on in her head, but from her body language, it was clear I had planted the seed of doubt. She would forever question Myungsoo’s kindness. Genius!

“Aw, it’s hard for me to see a beautiful girl frown. Cheer up,” Jongin said, pushing himself into Suzy’s vision as he moved Myungsoo out of the frame. Normally, I would be infuriated at the fact he had pushed my precious Myungsoo aside, but I forgave him for drawing Suzy’s attention on him.

“I’m not frowning,” Suzy said, pressing her eyebrows together like an old man determining his next chess move.

Jongin laughed. He placed his fingers between her eyebrows to massage out her wrinkles. “If something is bothering you, we should do something to fix it. Let’s go on a date.”

“What?”

Even my jaw fell open, not expecting Jongin to be this direct with his approaches. I was very, very thankful to have him on my side. His affections for Suzy would draw her further away from Myungsoo.

“Consider it a celebration since I got accepted into the team,” Jongin said proudly, running his hand through his wet hair.

“You got in?” I asked, sounding a bit more excited than I planned. Worst part was that I didn’t even have to pretend. Something about his success brought me genuine joy. Perhaps because I had watched Myungsoo in his endeavors to join the baseball team, I understood the feelings of acceptance.

“Yup. Myungsoo was an amazing catcher,” Jongin said, not forgetting to credit his new friend.

“You’re a really great pitcher,” Myungsoo complimented back, giving him a quick thumbs up. His eyes darted to Suzy, seeing her refusing anyone’s gaze.

“So, what do you say, Suzy? Let’s go on a date to the amusement park,” Jongin provided more detail now, making an offer no girl in their right mind could resist. Even I would go. He was paying, right?

“Uhm…”

“How about we all go?” Myungsoo suddenly suggested, and once again, my jaw dropped open. Was he suggesting a double date? I was not sure whether to be happy or not, knowing he had included me, but also knowing his real intention to separate Suzy from Jongin.

“Sure,” Jongin stared at me, giving me a small wink which I immediately frowned over. “The more the merrier, right?”

In fact, this situation could work to my advantage. I linked my arms with Suzy and smiled teasingly as I answered for the both of us.

“It’s a date.”


	7. Selfish Desire

**Three Years Ago**

Since an early time, I have made an interesting observation about human beings. People tend to take more than they are willing to give. Sometimes they kept on taking, like leeches sucking on human blood, but had zero capacity to return what was given. Were human beings truly incapable of giving, or were we selfish beings by nature to begin with?

“Wanna go out shopping with us?” Fei, another one of the Chinese transfer student had asked.

The suggestion was so heartwarming, I couldn’t help but think they may have come to accept my existence. Despite their bullying in the past, maybe they tried to reconcile and get on my good side. So I easily agreed. What was the worst that could happen?

An empty promise.

I should’ve known never to trust those leeches. I never knew shopping together was a one way communication kind of action. I had to watch those bunch of girls go in and out the fitting room, holding up an entire queue due to their indecisiveness. Everytime they walked out, they’d ask me for my opinion, which I so generously provided. I wasn’t allowed to try out any outfits before they finished selecting theirs and ended up waiting outside. Like a boyfriend, I had suddenly been given the task to hold their shopping bags, and even lend them some money to pay their new dress in full.

When it was finally my turn to try out some clothes I’d been eyeing since the start, I did not expect my friends to have left me behind. I did not expect the waiting room to be empty the moment I wanted to ask for their opinion. Along with it, they left the shopping bags I had to carry, knowing they’d accuse me of being a thief if I did not take it with me.

It was my fault for trusting those pests. In the end, I trailed them from behind—not like a dog on leash, but like a pet snake waiting for a good opportunity to crush its owner. I wasn’t scared—not at all. Rather, I was scared of how low I’d be able to stoop in order to seek my revenge.

As much as they had treated me no different from garbage, I yearned to return the favor. But I was much better than that. I had to blend in with society after all. The society took, but never gave. People demanded attention they were not willing to bestow upon others—such was the fault of humanity. To become selfish defined what humanity was all about.

I, too, am human.

***

**Present**

“Wow!”

Suzy’s voice was extremely obnoxious when she was happy. It increased by a few decibels, so shrill it could destroy the defenses of my ear drums. I kept the sweet smile on my face whenever Myungsoo turned to look at the two of us. But whenever he looked away, I took a break from the early facade, not caring if Jongin might have noticed.

The four of us had arrived at Everland, one of the biggest amusement parks in South Korea. I had only been to Six Flags or Great America  back in the United States, and being an adrenaline junkie, I was excited to try out the rides. It almost made me forget my real intention of coming here today.

“Here are your wristbands.” Myungsoo returned from the ticket booth with four blue slips of paper in his hand. His sense of responsibility, which landed him as our class president for four years straight, was clearly evident even outside of school.

I secretly hoped he would’ve helped me tie the wristband around my wrist, but before I could ask, he had already gone off to Suzy as if she had used some dark magic to constantly gain his attention, 24/7.

“Let me help you,” he told her in a sweet and velvety voice. My heart shrank when I saw Suzy extend her hand out to him. It constricted me when I noted his hand faintly brushing against her skin. It completely shattered when I realized the two looked like a couple. He wore a denim jacket, and she wore a denim dress, like they had coordinated their fashion the night before. I hated it.

“Myungsoo, I can’t get it right.” I lied as soon as he was done. I ran to them, holding my hand up while trying to be polite. I did not shove Suzy aside, perfectly making it clear I only needed some help. To my relief, Jongin was quick to act, and pulled Suzy aside to keep her busy as Myungsoo tightened my wristband.

“The amusement park is quite a romantic place, don’t you think?” he suddenly asked. Knowing Myungsoo, I knew he wasn’t making a small talk to start a conversation. His words always bore purpose and meaning.

“Why do you say so?” Though I honestly feared knowing his answer, my greatest fear was to live with regret.

“I feel a little bad for asking you, but, could you do me a favor?” he suddenly asked, his voice tainted with hesitance. He avoided my eyes, and I immediately knew what he wanted to do.

“Are you going to confess to Suzy?”

It mentally hurt when the words left my lips, but I felt a physical stab to my heart when he nodded.

“Do you realize I still like you?” I bluntly questioned him, to which he abruptly looked at me. There was a look of disbelief, as if he didn’t expect me to be so direct or to confess to him for the second time. But I did. “It’s quite cruel to say that to me.”

Myungsoo’s expression changed, panicking at the realization of his mistake. Somewhere along his handsome looks and smart brains, he must’ve forgotten about my confession. Couldn’t blame a guy for being love blind. In the same sense, I had forgotten everything else that had nothing to do with Kim Myungsoo.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize—”

I held my finger up, stopping him from talking. “Even so, I am glad you trust me enough as a confidant. Despite you rejecting me, I still consider you my best friend. So you can always talk to me about anything,” I told him coolly. I would not give him the privilege of seeing how badly he had broken me.

“I am not sure how to react,” Myungsoo said honestly, taking my words with lightheartedness. Good, at least he believed my fake intention to become his listening ear and his shoulder to cry on. I would take his trust, giving him my own selfishness in return.

“Just thank me.” I smiled at him.

Without waiting, I headed inside where Jongin and Suzy were bonding over who knows what. They were laughing together as Jongin pointed at some random object. Suzy was the type of girl who could easily find joy in the smallest things, either because she was dumb or stupid. As the two stood side by side, they looked like a couple too. Suzy was adorably beautiful like a nymph, and Jongin was like an exotic cassanova—they fit each other well. Occasionally, Suzy had stolen a glance at us, noticing how close Myungsoo and I had been.

“Alright. Where should we go first?” Myungsoo asked, casually putting his arm around Jongin’s shoulder. What an amazing and subtle way to separate him from Suzy. But for someone as sharp as me and Jongin himself, we knew his move had been planned out and calculated beforehand.

“I’ve always wanted to try the haunted house!” Suzy suddenly exclaimed, clasping her hands together, her eyes shimmering with hope.

The three of us stared at her weirdly, not expecting her to have such an odd taste. She seemed delicate, unlike the type who’d love horror. Unless, it was a scheme to cling unto Myungsoo the entire time.

We got down using the cable cars, cause Everland was so big it got divided into the upper and lower section. I rode with Suzy, as assigned by Myungsoo who wanted to keep Jongin away. Perfect. I needed some quality time with this airhead anyway.

“I don’t know what to do…” I began, beginning my woeful act. I sighed out loud, crunched my eyebrows, and puckered my lips.

“What happened?” Suzy asked, showing immediate concern.

The way her eyes looked at me showed how genuinely worried she was. It was a gaze I wasn’t used to—no one had ever looked at me like I existed for a greater importance. Only Myungsoo did, and now Suzy. It almost made me retract my evil intention, but I couldn’t let her temporary kindness mislead me.

“Myungsoo told me of his feelings again,” I said, carefully watching the glow of her eyes fade out like a dying star. “He threatened me, saying that if I don’t date him, he would fool around with the person closest to me.”

“Fool around?” Suzy asked, not quite understanding my words. There was a slight quiver on her lips. Perhaps she did understand, after all.

“You’re the closest person to me right now, Suzy. So please be careful. If he says or asks anything weird, don’t give in,” I warned her.

Because yes, Myungsoo was planning on confessing to you, and I need you to put your personal feelings aside and reject him. I need you to break him, so that he’d crawl back to me to fix him.

“He must love you so much,” Suzy muttered quietly under her breath, and I have never seen her so dejected before. She lost the shine that used to make her beautiful, and for one second, appeared common.

I turned my head away, putting up a barricade of steel around my heart against sympathy. I knew better than to expect kindness in return. Kindness appeared to mask one’s selfish desire underneath. Over the years, it was still humanity at its finest.

We appeared at the front of the haunted house where a guy wearing a stupid white sheet over his body checked our wristband. As if we’d infiltrate the entire park just to get scared. No.

“Good luck on making it out alive. Hooooo,” The man in the costume spoke. I was more afraid of the embarrassment he must be facing when he realized how stupid he was behaving. Either way, we entered the house.

Everything was dark, a fitting place for how rotten my heart was. I could barely see where the others were, and reached out to anyone in front of me. Despite my cool exterior and my plot for revenge, I had forgotten how much of a scaredy cat I actually was. This was a big mistake.

“Boo!”

“Aah!” I despised myself for yelling at that pathetic jump scare tactic. Whoever was in front of me probably heard me, and began to snicker. His shoulders began bouncing up and down based on the small movement I felt.

“It’s not funny,” I said, not knowing whether it had been Jongin or Myungsoo.

As we continued walking through the pitch black maze, I continued to yell several times, becoming the desirable target to all these people dressed up in costumes. A part of me even felt like crying. My heart was weak in that sense.

Suddenly, the person in front of me took me by the hand, and laced his fingers around mine. His steady grip made me feel secure for some reason, knowing that those fake ghosts could no longer scare me as long as I had my bodyguard with me.

I remember Myungsoo doing this in the past. We had a test of courage, and he asked to be paired with me, knowing how scared I had been. He offered to hold my hand for the entire walk—which was also a part of the game considering we weren’t allowed to let the paper wristband break from each other. I felt the same sense of security back then as I did now. There may have been a zombie apocalypse, and my blinded feelings would foolishly ensure me of my safety.

His hands were so large compared to mine, and I love the way they fitted around me. My heart was on a rampage, drumming louder because he held me, and not because of the haunted house. A part of me wished to elongate our moment, but the exit was near. Should I just trip myself to be carried out?

Too late. We had already reached the light, and walked out of the haunted house. My eyes kept lingering on our interlaced hands, watching as Myungsoo looked up to see me. His eyes widened in surprise, and upon realizing it had been me all along, suddenly released the hold like I was a dirty being.

“I thought you were Suzy,” was the first thing he told me.

The amount of pain he inflicted me through those words alone could not amount into words. Tears threatened to escape my eyes, but I balled my hands into a fist to the point my nail pierced my skin, replacing my physical pain for my mental one. He may have considered me his best friend, but his truthful honesty hurt more than a lie.

He kept glancing at Suzy’s direction, panicking over the fact she had seen us hand in hand together. He did not want her to misunderstand, even though she already did. The biggest lie I had told her was one that would prevent Suzy from ever accepting Myungsoo’s feelings.

A twisted smile crept on my face. Human beings were selfish, and I was no different from that. Though Myungsoo and Suzy may have shown me endless kindness before, I was ready to shower them with my selfishness in return. Such were the ways of humanity I have learned along the way.

I caught Jongin staring curiously at me, not surprised or shocked, but simply well aware of my ill intention. I let him stare, let him glimpse into the real me. Because when he chose to not look away, I knew he wanted to have some fun of his own.


	8. Trap

**Three Years Ago**

I leaned against the window, my elbows against the sill, my chin propped against my hand. From our classroom, I kept watching the small animal outside. The squirrel was quite a fascinating being—surprisingly sly despite it’s adorable appearance. Perhaps ‘sly’ wasn’t the right word. They were determined beings who knew how to keep what was theirs to begin with.

“What are you doing?” Myungsoo asked, suddenly appearing at the door.

I glanced up at him, seeing him in his baseball uniform. I didn’t realise time passed by as I stood there observing the wood critter. I missed Myungsoo’s practice session for the first time today.

“I’m watching a squirrel,” I said, stepping aside so he could lean beside me. My lips curled into a furtive smile when I felt the side of his arm brush against mine. He smelled like sweat, and his arm was a little sticky, but I accepted him as he was.

“Why would you do that?” He asked in confusion, following the direction of my finger pointing at the animal.

“It’s called the eastern gray squirrel,” I said, watching the animal move around from spot to spot, digging holes without burying anything inside it.

“What is it doing?”

“It’s setting traps,” I said, widening my grin in admiration. “It knows other squirrels are trying to take its nut, so it creates a variety of holes to confuse them. They’d have to dig up a lot of empty traps, and eventually gives up before finding the actual nut.”

“Are they that smart?” Myungsoo asked, sharing the same amazement as I had when I first discovered the fact.

“Yes. Sometimes they even leave a pile of leaves or dirt on one spot to trick the thieves into thinking something is underneath it,” I continued telling. It was a theory I had watched on National Geography before, but seeing it with my own eyes was an astonishing phenomenon.

“That’s really…” Myungsoo hummed to find the right word. “Sly.”

“Really? I think it’s admirable,” I corrected him, continuing to stare at the squirrel as it finally stored its nut after digging numerous holes.

“I probably would’ve done the same thing.”

***

**Present**

As we exited the haunted house, Myungsoo went up to talk to Suzy, trying to separate her from Jongin again. For once, Jongin let him be and walked over to me. He had that confident grin on his face.

“What went on in there? Took you guys some while before you exited,” Jongin remarked, wiggling his eyebrows teasingly.

“Do you think we made out?” I asked him bluntly without filtering my words.

This statement made him scoff, as if there was something ridiculous about the possibility alone. “You gotta try harder if you’re trying to lie, Soojung,” he said in a singsong voice, teasing me.

“If I tried to lie, you wouldn’t even have known,” I said with a smirk, flipping my hair as I continued ahead. I did not know at what point I had given up on my fake persona when I was with him.

“That’s what you think,” he hummed as he stayed by my side. He matched his footsteps with mine, trying to keep a distance from Suzy and Myungsoo as we observed them from behind. I kept quiet, watching them chat and laugh so heartily.

“Would you think they were a couple if you looked at them?” I unconsciously blurted out, uttering my inner thought out loud.

Jongin raised his eyebrows, giving me a weird look before he stared at the two in front. “Perhaps not a couple. Their movements are too stiff for a couple.”

I smiled in relief. It was crazy how those mere words managed to revive my hope. “What about me and Myungsoo? Do we look like a couple?”

Jongin stared at me once again, and this time he laughed. The piercing sound mocked me and I glared at him, demanding an explanation.

“Those two may not look like a couple, but at least they have chemistry,” Jongin spoke, using the same bluntness as me. I hated the observations he made, cause I knew they were truthful to some extend. “You and Myungsoo are close, but he never looks at you the way he looks at her.”

His words stabbed my heart, confusing me in an array of swirling sadness and anger. I ended up laughing pathetically, trying hard not to show my vulnerability. “You make some sharp observations, Mr. Kim.”

He smiled at my words, knowing I tried my hardest not to let him get to me. “It is an observation only I could make. To commoners, you two would be mistaken as a couple.”

“To commoners? You speak as if you’re higher above the others,” I said.

“Am I not? We both are. The two of us.”

Everytime he likened himself to me, I felt a tinge of annoyance, and at the same time, some assurance. Knowing I wasn’t the only corrupted one with a rotten heart somehow comforted me. This world had not only tainted me, but the downfall in humanity was a sick virus evident in others.

“Would you still like to get closer to Suzy?” I asked, knowing what his answer would be. Someone like Jongin took pleasure in creating drama even if it did not benefit him. He simply hated the status quo and would take extreme measures to rebel against it.

“I never refuse a challenge,” Jongin said, staring at Suzy. He noticed the way Suzy’s eyes radiated whenever she looked at Myungsoo, and found it intriguing to direct that gaze toward himself instead. “Beside, the more I look at her, the cuter she gets.”

“Alright, then I shall tell you what will happen and what we should do,” I said, staring at the two in front of me. They were still laughing, so unaware of the calamity heading toward their direction.

Jongin turned to me momentarily before shifting his gaze at them as well. So I told him of the plan.

“Myungsoo is going to confess to Suzy, but she is going to reject him.”

His eyes widened in surprise. “How would you know that?”

“Because I have made it so,” I answered him, not masking the filthiness inhabiting my heart. I noticed that twisted smile of his, knowing he was interested in the plan. We may have different reasonings, but our objective aligned as one.

“So what do you want me to do?” He asked eagerly, impatient to take part in my dark schemes.

“When we’re back in school, I need you to start a rumor. Say that she rejected Myungsoo because she feels she is too good for him,” I said.

Unexpectedly, he chuckled, shaking his head.

“What?”

“You’re too naive, Soojung. Don’t you see the flaw in your plan?” He asked me, his mocking tone returning.

“What do you mean?”

“Your rumor is going to make Myungsoo seem pathetic, and it lacks reliability. I have only been here for a few days, but I know Suzy isn’t regarded as the popular girl. Why would Myungsoo want to date her?”

I unconsciously nodded along, taking his valid argument into consideration. He gained my entire attention. “What do you suggest?”

“Make Suzy seem as the antagonist. I will spread a rumor that you and Myungsoo are dating, and that Suzy tried to break you two apart. They shall sympathize you, root for Myungsoo to be with you, and hate Suzy.”

My eyes widened and my jaw dropped. Kim Jongin was a genius. His wickedness went beyond mine, and I realized I hadn’t given him enough credit for his brilliant ideas.

“I thought you were interested in Suzy. Why would you come up with a cruel way to break her?” I couldn't help but ask, curious to his odd method.

“See, that is the brilliance of this plan.” Jongin leaned in closer to my ear when I least expected it. His hot breath tickled my skin, and I slightly winced my eyes. “When she is despised by the entire school, guess who’s gonna stay by her side?”

I turned to him, a little too quick, noticing the ample amount of distance between our lips. So I backed away, but couldn't hide the twisted grin from my mouth. I knew we had a lot in common, but I never expected to have a near 100% synchronization. The way he thought of ideas, including the things he were willing to sacrifice for it, were no different from me. I was drawn to him even when I didn’t want to.

“Can I just say how happy I am to have met you?” I said, holding my hand up for a high five.

“The pleasure is mine,” he said, gently slapping my hand, holding it in his grip. “Most girls would be scared by now.”

“I’m not like most girls,” I told him, smirking when his lips mirrored mine. By this time, I put little to no effort in the sweet girl act. The character was unlike me, and it felt nice to become who I truly was without any fear of condemnation. Even if Jongin tried to hurt me, I saw enough of him to hurt him back.

We let go of each other as soon as Myungsoo and Suzy turned to look at us. Suzy ran to me, dragging me by my arms as if we were best friends forever, which we were in her opinion.

“Is this better than the ones in America?” Suzy asked me, eagerly anticipating my answer.

“It’s so much better already because I can go with you,” I threw out a cheesy line I had usually seen in movies—movies that fabricated an ideal world. It seemed to match my fake image. Plus, it made Suzy grin from ear to ear like an idiot, falling for such lies.

“It makes me so happy to hear that. We should go on a ride together,” Suzy said, looking around her for something fun.

Well, we had conveniently walked right in front of the ferris wheel, which was the perfect place to have one’s heart broken. So I pointed at the big ride, staring at her curiously. “How about that one?”

“Oh, yes! I love it!” Suzy loved every single attraction in the park, I’ve noticed. I hated myself for making these observations, proving I had spend too much time with her. Now I just had to subtly ensure she’d ride it with Myungsoo. However, I was not the type who would play subtle when aggression brought me closer to my goals.

So I released myself from Suzy, walking to Myungsoo, and held him by his sleeve. “This is a good place to confess to her,” I whispered.

Myungsoo flinched, staring at me with his jaw agape, opening and closing it like a fish on land. It was an adorable look on him, really. “W-w-why?” he managed to ask.

“Because you were planning to do it, right? Might as well do it now and get it over with,” I told him, smiling brightly.

“But…”

“No but, I’ll tell her that I’m sick so that you’ll ride it with her. Use your precious time wisely, Myungsoo. I’m doing all this for you. One chance,” I warned him. Then I returned to Suzy who had been glancing at us again, despite Jongin keeping her busy. Oh, poor girl did not know what was coming for her.

“Suzy, I don’t think I can ride with you,” I immediately said, pouting my lips and making my voice sound extra depressing.

“What? Why?”

“Because Myungsoo insisted on riding with you. Said he had something important to say to you,” I shrugged, deliberately leading her to a certain thought. Judging on the way Suzy’s face reddened in the sunlight, I knew she was thinking of the same scenario as I did. “But remember what I told you? He’s not ready to be in a relationship yet.”

“Right…”

Oh, how dejected she looked. It was a terrific look on her beautiful face. She was the only person who remained stunning despite a depression. It was the perfect set up, knowing I could easily let them ride the ferris wheel with a gladful heart.

“Are you ready, Suzy? It’s our turn next.” Myungsoo suddenly appeared. He bit his lips hesitantly, looking at me. I gave him a wink, encouraging him to speak his heart out inside the ferris wheel.

Suzy did not say a word, letting Myungsoo guide her into the pink colored cart. I noticed the way Suzy flinched when he touched her arm, trying to help her. Suzy looked uncomfortable, giving me a last look of plea, but I simply waved at them. There was no way I would exchange this moment for anything else.

“Ice cream?” Jongin suddenly appeared beside me, holding a strawberry flavored popsicle. Great, strawberry was my favorite flavor.

“Aren't we going to ride the next cart?” I asked, accepting the popsicle from his hand.

“Nah,” he hummed, taking me by the arm to move away from the queue we had been waiting fifteen minutes for. He took me to a nearby bench right beside the waiting line, allowing us to have perfect sight of the people exiting and entering the ferris cart. “This way we can see their expression once they return.”

I stared at him once again—every time he opened his mouth, his true wickedness continued to impress me. He casually licked his popsicle, anticipating what was going to happen next. “Why are you doing this?” I asked.

“Cause it’s fun,” Jongin said, smacking his lips as he detached it from his popsicle. He met my eyes, and for a split second, I saw a foreign expression he had never shown me before. Something was dark and sinister beyond his mischievous desire to break them apart. He had a different motive I wasn’t aware of, and it frightened me as much as it intrigued me again. “Beside, love does not exist. I will prove that by easily breaking them apart.”

“Hey, I love Myungsoo,” I told him, feeling offended.

“No, Soojung. You are obsessed with Myungsoo, you do not love him,” Jongin corrected me, hardening his gaze stubbornly. The wrinkles sinking on his forehead told me he wouldn’t accept any other opinion. “Because love consists of empty vows and false promises. It would be better if no one experienced love.”

A curiosity began to grow in me, wanting to know more about his words and view. Everyone bore a past that shaped them into the person they were today. I have received too much mistreatments and found my only comfort in Myungsoo. For that reason, I was not afraid to hurt or mistreat others in order to hold on to Myungsoo. Jongin must have had his own reasons for his lack of faith in love, shaping him into the casanova he was today. We all had our own little lies to cover up bigger ones. Detaching ourselves from reality and inventing a bluff to cover our scars was as natural as breathing.

“There they are!” Jongin suddenly commented, watching the same pink colored cart land at the center. A staff member opened the compartment door, and Suzy was the first one to step out. Her eyes seemed red from crying, and she lowered her face toward the floor the entire time. Without waiting for Myungsoo, she immediately took quick paces to evade the scene. She even passed me and Jongin, not realizing we were there. All I heard were some loud sobbings.

“That’s my cue to go. See you next week at school,” Jongin said, patting my back. He knew this would be the end to our double date as he had to end up taking Suzy home. That would leave me with none other than Kim Myungsoo.

I got up, not realizing he was already standing in front of me. Similar to Suzy, he was facing the floor, but never showed a sign of weakness. His arms slightly trembled, and his fingernails pinched his own skin so hard it became white, but he didn’t shed a tear. I had never seen him this depressed before, not even when they lost the baseball seasons.

“I am sorry for rejecting you back then,” he began speaking up, a rasp whisper that barely registered in my head. “I didn’t know it would hurt this much.”

I tried my hardest to control my emotions, but upon realizing my facial expression would give my true feelings away, I quickly ran over to him and wrapped my arms around him. My hands softly rubbed his back as I made gentle shushing noises to calm him down. He leaned his head against mine, and reciprocated my hug. His arms were around me, squeezing me as if he tried to suck some of my energy to empower him.

“What happened?” I innocently asked him, masking my voice to sound concerned.

“She rejected me. I don’t even know why. She just told me she couldn’t date me,” Myungsoo said, his voice meek and defeated. I should sympathize him, offering true comfort in his time of needs. But I simply couldn’t, because my heart was celebrating in joy. What kind of a sick and twisted person was I to enjoy in the suffering of my loved one?

“Perhaps she doesn’t have feelings for you,” I said.

“But I really thought she liked me,” Myungsoo said, and he wasn’t wrong.

But sometimes, falsifying the truth was a necessary survival instinct. Like the squirrel who set many traps and lies to deceive others from stealing its precious nut, I was willing to set forth more lies to protect the one I loved. No one would steal Myungsoo from me, and my lies will keep him hidden from everyone.

“You see,” I began, forming yet another lie, “She likes Jongin.”


	9. Truth and Lie

**Three Years Ago**

“Jung Soojung?”

A chill and raspy voice called out to me, stealing my attention from an assignment I was working on. Her voice bore a demanding tone, forcing me to tilt my head to meet her eyes. I heard about her. Yet another transfer student from China, Song Qian was her name. She was one of the queen bees I wanted nothing to do with, surrounded by her groupie of second rate queen bee wannabes.

I turned my sight back to my notebook, blatantly ignoring her.

“You’re Jung Soojung, aren’t you? It must be you. I heard you’re very pretty,” Song Qian spoke, her tone overtaken by an unbefitting friendliness. She took the chair before my desk, lowering her eyes to my level. “I need your help with something.”

Bullcrap. Not gonna fall for it. I continued scribbling on my notebook, blaring my ignorance. But Song Qian’s hand suddenly closed my notebook with force, her long red manicured fingernails boring into my skin.

“It isn’t a request. Follow me,” Song Qian whispered lowly. She held my notebook as a hostage, got up from her seat, and walked out of the classroom in what may be perceived as a catwalk runaway. It reminded me of those a prostitutes in the Red Light district instead.

As soon as I followed her into the girl’s bathroom, those wannabes extended their foot, deliberately trying to trip me. But when I amazingly evaded their cheap attack, they ganged up on me, dug their fingers into my shoulder, and pushed me down to the muddy toilet floor. I tried my best not to scream, refusing to let them enjoy a hint of fear. My gaze hardened when they held me by the arm, spread wide apart like a punishment on the crucifix for unjustified condemnation.

“We have heard all about you, Soojung. So quit your innocent act. You really think you can sleep around with men?” Song Qian asked, her voice elated at her authority while I was held defenseless by four or five people. Really? Did they think that highly of me to require such strong defenses?

“The reason you wear long sleeves and tall socks is to hide your bruises from having sex with fat old men, right?”

The frown sunk on my face, deep. What was this nonsense they were uttering?

“Ah, judging on your expression, the rumors must be true,” the girl said, slightly leaning her body closer to me, but ensuring her presence reigned superior compared to me. “I never thought you’d be the type to sell your body for money. But with a pretty face like yours, I bet you get quite a lot of customers.”

I gritted my teeth, feeling anger washing over me like ripples of waves ready to engulf an entire shore underwater. Not only was this ridiculous rumor mocking me; it also insulted my parents. They did not raise me to become the pleaser of horny men who couldn’t get a girlfriend of their own.

“Actually, my pretty face is too natural for them. Those lusty bastards prefer plastics decorated in thick makeup,” I said, a smirk falling on my face, contouring my inability to falter at their abuse. “Oh, you know what? They’d love you.”

The changing frown on Song Qian’s face was worth the slap inflicted on my face, worth the reddish mark that lingered for several days. It wasn’t, however, worth the rumors about my sadistic fetish whenever I engaged in sexual activities. Because frankly, now the entire school believed I was a prostitute at night.

Such was the beauty of words, and the way it could be used to make or break a person. In the way it broke me, it also made me stronger. Against a world where lies held the crown of integrity, telling a bigger lie seated me on the throne.

So I started a rumor that Song Qian was screwing our homeroom teacher.

I realized then, the only way to defeat a lie wasn’t through a bigger lie, but by telling the truth.

My lie became the truth.

***

**Present**

It was amazing, the aftermath created by a word of mouth. When I walked through the corridors, every student passed by with sympathizing eyes, as if I had lost my family in a terrible car accident. They mourned on my behalf. They indulged in my pain. Such were the effect of the rumors created in my favor.

“Soojung, are you alright? We heard all about it.” Jinri glomped me as soon as I set my bag on the chair, hugging me tightly in public in an attempt to comfort me. Who was she kidding? I knew she used me to build a good reputation for herself as the nice and comforting best friend archetype.

“What?” I asked, trying to act as nonchalant as a clueless victim.

“That weirdo from class 1-A tried to sleep with Myungsoo, even though she knew you and Myungsoo are a thing!” Jinri said out loud, as if she wanted the entire class to know.

I scanned my surrounding, seeing my classmate stare at me like I was the lead character in a tear jerking family drama. I had to give props to Jongin for successfully starting the rumor, though I was sure it had lost its original message at some point and blossomed into a worser lie.

“I heard she’s been seducing Myungsoo this entire time even though Soojung was the only one who ever treated her nicely. What an ungrateful bish,” Sunyoung added, proving more dimension to the fake rumor.

“Did anything happen to Suzy?” I asked carefully, maintaining a brilliant curiosity in my voice.

“Have you not listened to us? She is trying to break you and Myungsoo apart. You gotta be careful. Suzy has seduced men before,” Jinri warned me, holding me by the arms.

“It is true,” Jongin’s singsong voice appeared, casually taking a seat beside me. He looked too composed for the mastermind who had just spread false rumors through an entire school. “I saw her ask a teacher for some extra credit assignment, if you know what I mean.”

“Oh em gee, she did the do!” Jinri exclaimed in panic, clasping her hand against her cheeks.

“If she could do it with a teacher, I bet she is trying to get into Myungsoo’s pants too,” Sunyoung added, clicking her tongue in annoyance. “What a hoe.”

The school bell rang, and as Sunyoung and Jinri returned to their seat, Jongin and I exchanged a small high five underneath our seats, soaking in our victory.

The entire school talked about the rumor, and every person repeated a different version. Some were quite ridiculous, such as the fact Suzy had already gotten pregnant, but most of them showcased me as the helpless victim in distress.

Myungsoo had stayed quiet the entire day, occasionally yelling that the rumors weren’t true. But human beings sought pleasure in others’ misfortune, and their thirst for scandal prevented them from believing the truth. They shook their heads at Myungsoo, telling him to stay away from Suzy, and to focus on me. I did not stop them, for I found agreement.

“You should go to Suzy, be her friend,” Jongin suddenly told me during the break.

“After all she has done to me according to the rumors?” I asked, frowning at his idea. I was supposed to hate Suzy, to loathe her for trying to steal Myungsoo for me. There were a million reasons not to treat her with benevolence.

“Exactly. Others will see you as Mother Theresa when you give her a second chance,” Jongin told me, winking at his brilliant idea.

It took me a while to process this scenario, only seeing positive outcomes in the multiple simulations I ran in my mind. This was the perfect opportunity to bring forth evidence to the false rumor, to show the world the ease with which I could be taken advantage of.

Before lunch break was over, I got up from my seat and hurried to class 1-A. When I opened the classroom door, Suzy lied on the floor, surrounded by the girls of her class. I felt a strange twitch in my heart, recognizing the scene where I had once been in Suzy’s place. They were threatening her, abusing her to confess the nihil truth of a make belief statement. No matter how much they would hurt her, Suzy wouldn’t ever satisfy them, because she was too naive to lie, not knowing it was the only way to stop their awful treatment.

“It’s her.” I heard people murmuring, hissing to each other as I walked by. With every step I took, my intention to play victim began to crumble. The sight was a live replay of my past, before I had started faking my persona, before I made people accept a fake version of me , before I forged artificial friendship with equally artificial people. It was the time when I innocently believed I would survive this world simply by being myself. But society taught me to wear a mask. Only by lying could I save myself.

“Soojung…” Suzy cried out to me, reaching her filthy hand to me, like a sinner asking redemption from an even bigger sinner. For once, I wasn’t sure what to do, what to feed the people with as they kept waiting for drama to unfold.

“It’s not true. I know Myungsoo is in love with you, and you are my best friend,” the pathetic girl squirmed from the floor, her voice rasp with an attempt to hold on to our thinning string of friendship. Little did she know, I was the one holding her captive within these steel chains of artificial union.

Best friend? A part of me felt sorry, for she had chosen a monster such as myself to befriend. If only she knew what I was inside, she would’ve vomited her own words.

“I would never do anything to hurt you,” Suzy meekly continued, her lips quivering as she started to cry. With her existence alone, she has caused me multiple heartbreaks over and over again. She caused Myungsoo to take his eyes away from me. She stole the way he used to look at me, and only me. She managed to make Myungsoo laugh, an ability only I used to have. She hurt me the moment Myungsoo started loving her. She never intentionally tried to hurt me, but did anyway.

I, on the other hand, have been hurt too much to let it pass.

“I told you my entire past because I trusted you. I never thought you’d go behind my back like this,” I said, faking my dramatic act. I watched the way every student craned their neck closer, straightening their back to take a good glimpse at our conversation. Human were attracted to chaos, like flies were attracted to crap.

“No, it’s not true. Whatever you’ve heard, it’s not true,” Suzy tried, getting up from the floor to grab my arms. “You have to trust me.”

“You tried to seduce Myungsoo, even after you knew about my relationship with him,” I said, my voice so convincingly fragile and broken. If I could fake some tears too, it would be perfect.

“I never seduced him. I don’t even know why he confessed to me. But I rejected him. I rejected him for your sake,” Suzy said, twitching her lips into a crooked smile, hoping she had regained our friendship through the revelation.

Wrong move.

I scanned my surrounding, as expected, seeing every student whisper to one another. They couldn’t believe it, the most popular guy had actually confessed to the outcasted girl? This only made Myungsoo look pathetic in return, which was exactly the opposite of what Jongin and I intended.

To my surprise, I was wrong.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” one of the girls said, harshly pulling the end of Suzy’s hair, forcing her entire head to tilt towards the ceiling. The girl scoffed at Suzy’s ridiculous statement. “So you’re saying Kim Myungsoo confessed to you? Who do you even think you are?”

“There are a million of girls in this school. If he would confess to anyone, it would be to Soojung,” another girl said, proving my undefeatable status as a primadona. I could chase after any of their boyfriends, and at this point, they’d retreat like stupid mice when a cat set foot into the room.

“But it’s true,” Suzy uttered. Instead of finding conviction, the classmate exerted more force in her hold, pulling Suzy’s hair to the point she began yelling in pain.

“Stop giving us crap. Do you think you’re that pretty? Even if Myungsoo likes you, it’s probably because you seduced him using your body,” the girl said, pushing Suzy to the floor.

What an interesting turn of event. The confession I feared would ruin Myungsoo’s reputation was met with disbelief. Truth was perceived as a lie, and a lie defined the truth. This was the sick reality of the twisted world we live in. People believe in what they want to believe, regardless of facts.

“I never did,” Suzy poorly defended herself, beginning to cry when everyone else began to laugh in her face, amplifying their amusement the more she crumbled. However, she muted her surrounding when she fixed her gaze on me, as if all that mattered to her was my opinion. Her face radiated with hope that I’d believe her, and that a single word of approval would set forth her endurance for the rumor.

Foolish girl.

“When you went into the ferris wheel with Myungsoo, just the two of you, what exactly happened?” I asked, revealing more personal detail, which was the truth. I waited for others to turn my words against Suzy, to turn the truth into a sword piercing through her heart.

Suzy was silenced, blinking her eyes, feeling warm tears pooling at the side. She finally understood she had lost my trust, not knowing it was never there to begin with.

“He confessed to me, and I rejected him for your sake. Nothing else happened,” Suzy shouted, chanting at me to believe her words. She looked so pathetic, like a fugitive in chain, surrounded by people who wanted to stone her to death, waiting for my cue to proceed.

My cue came in the form of ignorance as I turned my back on her.

“Let’s teach her a lesson,” I heard the girls say, followed by more of Suzy’s helpless cry. I couldn’t care less, too consumed by my anger to feel the slightest bit of mercy in my heart. Now I had to get Jongin and allow him to become Suzy’s hero. But as I pulled the door open, my breathing halted.

Myungsoo stood there.

His eyes met me—fury in his, fear in mine. Had he heard the conversation? Had he heard the way I manipulated Suzy into defeat? Had he heard the lie I started?

Myungsoo didn’t say a word, but stormed into the class, brushing past me. Every eye trailed after his determined movements, including mine, including Suzy’s. The girls let go of Suzy as soon as he approached, as if trying to be on their best behavior in front of the boy they admired.

“I… I never lied,” Suzy whimpered when Myungsoo stopped in front of her.

His lips were pressed into a thin line, collecting his patience when anger boiled within him. He took a moment to let out a heavy breath, then bend down to help Suzy get up. His manner was that of a royal gentleman assisting his queen, showing such gentleness to the shattered female whom everyone was against.

“Are you okay?” He asked with the softest voice, flashing a kind smile. His smile stretched wider in relief as she nodded. He showed infinite grace to the girl who had just rejected him.

At that moment, I knew I had already lost. I blinked the tears away from my eyes, hoping no one had noticed when every attention were on the lovebirds.

“Listen up,” Myungsoo thundered, his voice filled with the authority of a class president. “The rumors are false. Suzy never tried to approach me, because I was the one who approached her.”

I scrunched my eyes, my heart punctured by multiple needles. He was making a public love confession.

“And I did ask her to date me,” he followed his public announcement, eliciting gasps here and there.

I wrapped myself using my arms, leaning against the door frame. I felt a soft bump instead of the hard wall, looking sideways to see Jongin had joined. He didn’t look at me, keeping a poker face as he watched Myungsoo and the abused girl.

Myungsoo turned to Suzy, holding her by her arms. “It doesn’t matter if you rejected me, it won’t change my feelings for you. I still like you, Bae Suzy.”

His declaration resonated loudly and clearly, ensuring not a single person had missed the truth.

After all these years, I seemed to have forgotten. The only way to defeat a lie was with the truth.

I lost.


	10. Truth and Lie

**Three Years Ago**

I slouched to school, wearing one of my dark pink cardigans. The teacher scolded me for it’s color, said it would distract students from her lesson. Little did she know I was doing her a favor.

“Take it off,” the teacher commanded.

I couldn’t care less anymore. I got up from my seat, proceeding to shimmy out of my outerwear. Look at my pathetic classmates cooing, in desperate need for drama. In this case, it referred to my misfortune and my suffering. Because human beings took delight in other people’s suffering, that was how the human brain wired.

I dropped the cardigan on my wooden desk, a small smug smile tugging my lips. Let them see my scars and wounds on display, the very same injuries they had inflicted on me. No, I wasn’t cutting myself—I won’t give them the liberty to get rid of me. These were stark evidence of their actions, their crimes, and their wrongdoings.

I basked in the glory of their humiliation. Their expression of guilt made me internally laugh. Defeat was a wonderful look for them. Had they really not considered I wore long sleeves to hide the damage they had done to my body? Did they think hitting me and throwing me across the bathroom floors would leave me spotless without any blemish? How foolish.

My attempt to suppress my laughter faded when, suddenly, I felt a jacket being wrapped around my body. It was heavier in weight, bigger in size, and warmer in comfort. There was a familiar scent to it, one filled with serenity and security. I did not have to look up, knowing there was only one person who cared enough to protect me.

“A black jacket should be fine, right?” Myungsoo asked, his eyes hard on the teacher. It nearly looked like he was challenging the teacher for my sake, for my well being.

My heart thudded.

“Y-yes,” the teacher spoke, too aghast to form a proper reaction to my situation.

Now you see, a proper adult in a position of authority should’ve alerted other teachers, or take actions and precautions to make these assaults stop. But she turned around to the blackboard, turned her back on the issue, and turned a blind eye on social injustice. A grim case of bullying stood right in front of her eyes in the form of a Jung Soojung. Yet, she chose to ignore it. Everyone did. Humanity did.

The greatest poverty in life was outright ignorance. Right then and there, I understood why this world could never attain true richness.

 

***

**Present**

The biggest lie one could fabricate was that of pretentious care. For three years straight, Myungsoo was always the only one who showed the slightest bit of humanity to me. He did more than that, actually. He bestowed me kindness when the entire world turned against me. He offered hope in my times of secluded depression. He took my hand when others looked on in silence. For those very reasons, I ended up falling for him. Not for his good looks, but for his heart.

Now, years later, I start to question how many of his actions were authentic? How often did he genuinely care, and how often did he act out of soulful piety? How often did he try to obtain my heart with the intention of breaking it in the end?

When I walked through the school corridors the next morning, people looked at me with pitying stares again. Yesterday, it was a sign of victory, but today it defined loss. I hated those glares of sympathy, more than anything. It was a sign of weakness and utter defeat—a glorious walk of shame I did not want to be reminded of.

As I opened the door to my classroom, I immediately understood the meaning behind those pitying stares. Truthfully, had it been the other way around, I would’ve given myself the same stare of sympathy.

Myungsoo and Suzy were standing together, intimately talking and laughing like a couple would, perhaps even holding hands.

My heart didn’t break. How can it break when it was already broken to begin with? Rather, it felt like my heart was no longer in place; disconnected from reality, numbed to the suffering, heartless in nature. Yet, I felt warm tears begin to filter my eyes.

After the fiasco yesterday, Myungsoo took Suzy out of the classroom, leading her to who knows where. It didn’t take a genius to figure out what had happened. He confessed. She accepted. They were a couple. I lost.

“Soojung,” Suzy uttered when she first noticed my presence. From the corner of my eyes, I saw her poor attempt to release Myungsoo’s hand. A brief smile flickered across her porcelain skin, a beautiful contrast to the redness of her lips.

“I need to talk to you,” she said, her hands circling around my arms. Her touch was warm, not in the comforting way, but one that burned as hot as the flames of hell, I imagined.

I tried maintaining the composure on my face, biting my lips to stop it from trembling, shutting myself up before I lashed on her in front of public. Right now, I was still seen as the victim, and if I could play my role well enough, Suzy would forever be the villain in their eyes.

“You can talk later,” a familiar voice suddenly spoke. What followed next was a pair of arms grabbing me from the back, detaching me from Suzy’s fiery hold. It was Jongin.

“What?” Suzy blinked in surprise.

“I’ll be needing Soojung for now.” Jongin winked to the girl. He briefly looked at the wall clock, figuring they had a few minutes left before first period started. So he took me out to the corridors where no one could see us.

“Well, our plan backfired, obviously,” he stated first thing first, exhaling a deep sigh. He tried to say it in the most lighthearted way possible, but realized my stillness. He analyzed my condition for a moment before continuing. “It’s okay to cry, you know.”

I shot a dirty look at him, gritting my teeth and clenching my fist. “And show defeat?” I asked, my voice wavering from its conviction. “Thank you for rubbing it in my face.”

“No, this isn’t defeat,” Jongin corrected me, his handsome grin making a return. “It is only the beginning of a battle.”

I released the tension from my body, blinking at him in confusion.

“Cry all you want for now, after that, we’ll proceed to the next step.”

“There’s a next step?” I asked, unable to think coherently at the moment.

“Yes, believe it or not, now that they are a couple, it is much easier to break them,” Jongin winked at me. The idea of them being a couple felt too surreal until he verbally stated it.

I don’t know how devastated I seemed to him. Perhaps like a human being who was ready to give up on life. But Jongin decided it was appropriate to pat my head. His touch was so foreign and familiar at the same time. It was surprisingly soothing.

“You’ll see.”

I wasn’t sure whether his words were supposed to be reassuring or disorienting, but at this moment, it was the verbal salvation I longed for.

I hadn’t lost yet, the real battle had only began.

With that mindset, I returned to class, looking indifferent to the classmates who whispered gossips about the incident. I was still the helpless victim, only this time, I was pathetically rejected as well. My dignity had hit rock bottom.

It wasn’t my fault when I couldn’t pay attention to the rest of the lesson. I wished to be home, to get away from everything. And as soon as the bell rang, I grabbed my bag with hurried movements. Jongin looked, but he never got up to stop me. I wanted to assume he knew my desires for seclusion. For that, I was thankful.

“Soojung.”

Instead, the one stopping me in my path towards comfort was the cause of my misery himself. Kim Myungsoo, the man I came to love, yet continued to break me with his selfishness and ignorance.

“What?” I asked, my tone strong, not allowing him to see how much he had destroyed me.

“We need to talk,” he said, eerily similar to Suzy’s earlier invitation.

“Huh, do you no longer have an opinion of your own now that you're dating her? Can you only mimic her words?” I asked, scoffing at him with mockery.

He stayed quiet, his brown eyes piercing through mine. If he ever thought it would intimidate me, he was wrong. I may have seen a reflection of sadness and sympathy, but I had no use of such worthless pity.

“Let’s go somewhere private to talk,” he finally suggested, knowing I might end up showing my true character. Could he be concerned about what others thought of me if they saw my true persona? Or was this for the sake of his reputation, preventing me from accidentally blurting out his wrongdoings? Whatever it was, I let him drag me by my wrist, entering an empty lab room.

“Talk,” I prompted him, lowering my gaze to watch his hand leave me. I folded my arms, returning my eyes to his.

“So as you know, Suzy and I are dating,” he began, never meeting my stare.

In the spur of the moment, I suddenly burst out in laughter. Something about this entire situation was so ridiculously hilarious. “So what? Would you like me to congratulate you now?”

“No, that’s not-”

“I’ve always thought you were the nice one, but your outright ignorance proves you are a devil in disguise,” I spoke bluntly, my words unfiltered when my heart poured out my innermost feelings. The corners of my lips tugged into a sinister smile.

The sympathy left his glare, replaced by a frown of anger seeking justice. “Don’t do this, Soojung. You were the one who lied to both Suzy and I,” he said. His tone was filled with desperation, looking for the sweet Soojung he used to know—the resilient girl who watched in silence and let others slander over her. But she was long gone. Dead.

“In what ways have I lied?” I feigned innocence, merely testing to see how much he knew.

“Suzy doesn’t have feelings for Jongin,” he spat, demanding justice, or an apology, I did not know.

“Oh, is that what she told you?” My mouth acted on its own before my brain processed what was going on. It was another lie in the process of making.

“What do you mean?” He asked, showing a sign of defenseless weakness on his face. The tension on his shoulder began to slouch down with new sense of defeat.

“Which girl in their right mind would confess on liking another guy when they are about to become someone else’s girlfriend?” I rolled my eyes.

“You’re saying she does love Jongin?” He asked, and I detected a small tremble in his usual leader-like tone.

“Love, like, infatuated, does it matter? She had feelings for him, and she probably still does. A mere relationship status can’t stop the heart from wanting what it wants.”

This was the half truth, actually. The only lie was the tidbit part about Suzy having feelings for Jongin when she probably doesn’t. Not yet, at least. I had an unbelievable faith that Jongin could still make something happen somehow. The battle had only begun, he said.

There was a blank look on Myungsoo’s face, looking dazed at me, or past me. He seemed in thoughts before articulating his next set of words, and finally opened his mouth. “You told her I was in love with you when in fact-”

I raised an eyebrow, surprised he didn’t continue his sentence. Was this a sudden realization of my feelings? A woeful act of sympathy?

“I am the one who loves you?” The words easily slipped passed my lips, almost as if my confession was the biggest joke of all. As if it bore no meaning to him. “You told me you finally understood how much it hurt when you rejected me, yet here you are, doing it again and again. There is a limit to how many times I can handle your ignorance, Myungsoo.”

My words seemed to hurt him. He stared at me wide eyed, his mouth parting and closing in search for something to say, opting to stare at the floor in the end.

“I’m sorry.”

I couldn’t read his face, but his arms trembled a little. I realized then, that no matter how much he hurt me, I still wanted to be the first person to reach out to him in his time of need. Screw his relationship status. Screw Bae Suzy. I grabbed his hand in mine, lacing our fingers together.

“I’ve hurt you too much,” he continued.

His voice was weak. Exhausted. Like he gave up on trying to console me when I retaliated every gesture with my sharp tongue. For once, I didn’t interrupt, secretly wishing that he’d declared his feelings for me. That he only liked Suzy for her beauty, and liked me for me. But who was I kidding? Myungsoo was not that kind of guy to look at outer appearance.

“I wished there was a way to stop you from liking me.”

It may have been a faint whisper, but it echoed loud enough to nearly bring forth my tears. The statement was the biggest form of selfishness disguised as a selfless wish. If I had no feelings for him, he wouldn’t feel burdened loving Suzy. He wouldn’t be burdened with guilt. He wouldn’t be burdened with responsibilities. He wanted a burden free life. He wanted a life without me.

“Well, Myungsoo, you may have never loved me, but I have never regretted my feelings for you,” I spoke earnestly, having no intention to attack him other than by stating the truth. Was it ignorant of me to speak this way to a man in a relationship? Perhaps. Was it ignorant to hold hands with someone else’s boyfriend? Maybe. But what did I care when ignorance embedded the way this world operated?

“The days when the entire world turned against me, having you by my side was my greatest joy. You made every day more bearable to endure. For that reason, I won’t ever regret my feelings for you,” I said softly, squeezing his fingers between mine.

Myungsoo was rendered speechless, and I gave him time to process my words. I was sure Suzy would never say such things to him, because she was a brainless idiot.

My eyes caught sight of two people peeking through the glass window of the classroom door. How delightful. Jongin and Suzy were watching. I shared a small eye contact with Jongin, and in that short moment, his words kept repeating in my head like a battle cry.

The battle isn’t over yet. The battle isn’t over yet.

Myungsoo had made his move, so it was my turn to move my chess piece. I glanced to the door once again, ensuring Suzy was watching attentively. Time to attack.

“I need closure,” I spoke.

“What?”

“You rejected and hurt me. Allow me to properly part with this feeling, and I won’t bother you ever again,” I said coolly.

“You mean, you can let go of me?” A spark of hope in his eyes.

I nodded, setting up a condition that would mask his greatest benefit as his greatest loss.

“Kiss me.”

He flinched, his eyes searching mine for some kind of punchline, for me to say it was a joke. But it never came. I was dead serious, and realization hit him.

He stepped closer, lifting his hands as he carefully rested it against my cheeks. His touch was as warm as I remembered them to be, still giving me the same sense of security as it did years ago. His gaze locked on my lips, hesitating with the moral dilemma battling within him. He was rushing his attempts to drain my feelings for him.

My eyes fluttered close, smiling in response at the absurdity. There was no way he would do it. He had a girlfriend. He couldn’t. He wouldn’t. He shouldn’t.

But then I felt him crash his lips against mine, a movement so rough I nearly stumbled backwards. His grip around my waist kept me steady in place. I flinched in shock when he began moving my lips with his own.

Before I knew it, a tear escaped my eyes. I had imagined a thousand scenarios in my head what kissing Kim Myungsoo would be like, but this was not one of them. I didn’t think it would symbolize a farewell. I didn’t think he would’ve been someone else’s man. I didn’t think he would be so selfish

The longer he kissed me, the more he tried to erase my feelings for him. At that moment, I realized Myungsoo hadn’t been any different from my past tormentors. Selfish and ignorant. They abused me physically, but he hurt me emotionally.

When he let go of me, a wall of tears had cascaded down my cheek. He was desperate to get rid of me, but I realized I had fallen too deep to let go. No matter how many times he pushed me away, I would always come back to him.

Would it bother him? Would it destroy his relationship with Suzy? Was it selfish of me?

Yes.

But who cared? This world was rich with ignorance, and I was just another person contributing my wealth to it.

The battle had only begun.


End file.
